Showering

Tonight while I was having a shower I exfoliated my skin. In doing this I was removing the old skin allowing the new skin to shine through. A couple of nights ago as I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Therefore I decided to evaluate 2010 and decided my opinion of the events that occurred during this soon to be past year. Since this night everything has become clear and is just in time for 2011- A year that is now full of opportunities. But before this years comes to a conclusion I must say a few things to people who have impacted and helped to continue to shape me this past interesting year. Please keep this blog only to blog members.

Number 1: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???

I don’t even know you and yet I told you personal information and allowed you to enter my life. After a single day I began talking to you all the time, I was excited and looked forward to talking to you. Then after a couple of months you became annoying, kept on pressuring me to answer your extremely personal question about myself and this past year. These were questions one would normally not ask a NEW friend. Now that I think about it, I am not sure why I kept talking to you. Maybe it was because for once I felt in control and that I could decide what happens. For once I had to power and if I didn’t want to talk to you I wouldn’t. This was the smallest part of my life where I felt I had control. Then one night as I was trying to sleep my phone vibrated and it was you. This message is imprinted in my mind, you were angry at me for not telling you about certain things which I believed shouldn’t be discussed. Who gave you permission to yell at me like that, abuse me over text- seriously what gives you the right to talk to me like that. But yet being me, I forgave you. Then when I was thinking about this year I realised one thing…. I don’t need you. I have lasted this long without you in my life that I realised that I don’t need you in it at all.

You can sail your own boat…. Captain.

Number 2: Miss our night time D&m’s

What happened to us??? We have been friends for 17 years and yet after we spent those months texting each other and helping each other, I haven’t seen you or spoken to you since then. You, Number 2 were one person that I never expected to talk to ever about my personal life. But now that it is all over I have to say, you are my idol. You got up, brushed the dirt of your shoulders and continued on with your life. I want to know that you are ok and that it isn’t a show. That you are pretending to be fine when deep down inside you are hurt and broken. You could be looking for a way out like I did. I love how we felt so comfortable to talk to one another when we haven’t talked that often in the past. One afternoon I remember I was going for a run when I got a message from you. You were on a date with J and you felt it was appropriate that you inform me of how symmetrical his bottom is. I swear people driving past me thought I was insane. Randomly breaking out in laughter along the side of the road. Since that night we haven’t talked to one another and I miss that.

Number 3: Prefer Brunette’s than Blondes

After eight months of hatred for one another, who would have thought that we would be friends? Ask Rebecca Sarney, our double math’s was where I could vent to her about everything. I really feel sorry for her shoulder, sometimes I took my anger out on her. But back to the happy talking… I would like to thank schoolies cause without it this friendship wouldn’t exist. Sometimes I wish this happened before it did, that things could have been this way earlier than it was. To tell you all the truth when K called me at Megan’s and Gabe’s to say you were coming over for dinner I dreaded it. Spending an evening with someone who made me angry the past few months was not my idea of a great way to start schoolies. Then we spent forever talking about everything that happened and the reason why we didn’t get along and then ever since that night you have been my go-to venting person. Every night from then on, we would talk and I love that we did because I personally don’t think I would have survived some nights while up there if it wasn’t for you. Like at Megan’s one morning, this moment I needed some to talk to and you were there and understood what was happening. Who would have ever thought that we would be where we are today??? Who would have thought that we would open up to one another?

Number 4: Speed dial for 2hour D&m’s

I just have to say, I am currently eating you. Your light fluffinesses but there are no sprinkles  if there is one other person in the world that I can talk to about anything it would be you. Last week we spent 2 hours on the phone talking about ourselves and things that were annoying us. We even would spend valuable drama rehearsal classes acting out situations that could occur if we took a certain path…I just have to add here that Bob is defiantly one sexy man and you wish that you could have him. Yes I went there. This time last year I felt as thought I couldn’t talk to you about anything. Since then we both have opened up to one another are allow our walls to come down around each other and spill our feelings. I will always love you my HARRY POTTER enemy and I will do whatever it takes to keep you in it.

Number 5: Wallet friend.

After talking to someone I have realised a couple of things. You are the disease that controls my life. Everyday that goes past I am killing myself and eventually there will be nothing of me left. I can’t live my life when you are in it, but at the same time I can’t live my life without you here. My self confidence has gone down; it is like the declining rate of our profits at IGA. I didn’t want to show myself off to anyone. I didn’t want people to look at me; I felt truly ugly and thought that it was pointless for someone to love me. I would hurt myself; try to make myself feel pain somewhere else. Instead of going for a run I would go to my contemplation hut and cut myself. But now I have changed. While there are may negative to one there are also many positives to me. At schoolies you said something that changed my outlook on myself. I love my body. I like to show my body off, have people look at me differently. Wear clothing that makes me feel good about myself. I need you to stay here are you will eventually make me see more positives.

Number 6: I believe this is your first time

Now that I think about it I have never blogged about you. Congrats. Where would I be if I didn’t have you in my SOR class? Having Elise and especially you helping me through situations. I was your partner on one of the hardest experiences of my life. My fondest memory was one night when I was looking after Deanna and I couldn’t stop crying. You and Ms Smart kept yelling at me telling me to take a break but I didn’t want one. It wasn’t the situation that was bothering me, I need to be there looking after Deanna but stuff kept running through my mind that made me break down. That debrief was one of the things that I needed the most. After I explained what was bothering me to you and Gabe, you both became the two people I needed at the point. I knew that you would be there for. Once again you showed how much I mean to you at schoolies in you rant that lasted more than 20 mins. At that point I really need that. Someone to tell me how much I mean to them. I am a very protective person when it comes to my friends. This is why I didn’t drink because I don’t want you or others to make decisions that you would regret. Especially when some of our lives are complicated. While at times I might have been seen as annoying, I only did this to protect you all as you mean everything to me.

So now that 2010 is almost over I hope that we can start all over again. I love you all and I will never leave you.

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight

I keep looking for something I can't get
Broken hearts, they're all around me
And I don't see an easier way, to get out of this
Her diary sits by the bedside table
The curtains are closed, the cat's in the cradle
Who would have thought that a girl like me could come to this

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away............

I should have walked away

BOSS and Bro

Out of all questions you ask me.... you ask me that one.

I DON'T know the answer!! SO stop asking me.

Why would you bring it up while there are eight others in the room. I would prefer that the whole of IGA doesn't know about my private life. It isn't something that one just brings up in a random conversation. I feel like shit when you ask me how much has changed.

The most awkward part about it is that you are my boss. We shouldn't be talking about this. Instead we should be talking about how shit our profit margins are or talking about other annoying employees we work with. I haven't talked to you in a month and so much has changed, that i can't answer truly. I don't want to discuss this with you, I feel like our friendship is based on my life and secrets that you know about me.

It feels like you are taunting me, bringing it up again and again just for something to talk about. Just stop asking me how i am, stop asking me about 'it' and let me move on with my life without the need from you of knowing what is happening in this stand-still part of my life.

I discussed this with a friend a couple of weeks ago and they know how much your need to know angers me. IT felt good just spilling myself to you and that you understood what i meant. That night i told someone secrets that i haven't told anyone before. Stuff about you, my family and characteristics of the person i want to be. And for once, you opened up. You probably don't remember this but i don't think we have ever had a conversation like this before ever in my life. I want you to know that you can come and talk to me as i now do to you as i am here to be your friend and that is what we want to do.

I need you to talk to me.
Help me through this.
Become myself again and pull down this shield i have up.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn't be doing this but i can't help it.

I wear it... IT TOUCHES MY SKIN
I feel it.... I PLACE IT AGAIN MY SKIN AS I SLEEP
I smell it.... WHERE IT LINGERS IN MY MIND

I shouldn't be doing this. It doesn't make me feel any better than i am now. It actually makes me feel worse and angry that i am here in this shitty place when i shouldn't be.

Feel it comin' in the air
And the screams from everywhere
I'm addicted to the care
It's a dangerous love affair

I go for a run to let out my anger and then i remember that it is with me. With each step i take it comes with me. I should rip it up, burn it in a fire but i can't as it was a major part of me. I use to hurt myself when i was with it to make myself feel something else. To make myself hurt somewhere else.

This small item has brought me pain and the reason that i wear it is because i need you, when i feel unloved, unneeded, when i feel as thought i am nothing.

I am nothing and i don't matter to anyone. I don't want to think anymore

Stay away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How long did it take before someone wanted to fuck up my life again. Seriously.

You are insane, fucking get over yourself, grow up and move on. People are making shit up to make their lives seem more interesting and by doing so are wrecking mine. Thought you would all be happy that i am back to the old me but some of you i wonder if you even have a fucking heart.

Stop making shit up when there is nothing to even talk about. There is nothing going on so don't make rumors up cause you want-to-be sluts lives are FUCKING boring.

You are in my group but yet you don't care. You all know what i have been thorough this year and it seems like you are ignoring the things i have been through to make a conversation with a chick that for quote "Thinks i am fucking scared that she is going to beat me up" Does it look like i care??? FUCKING get over yourselves and get a LIFE. I don't give a shit what you think, say it to my face instead of behind my back.

If it is annoying you so much just say so, don't bitch about me in maths class cause you want to fit in with the 'cool' kids.

None of you don't know what is going on and the reason for this is because i wish not to talk about it for once in my FUCKING LIFE!!!!!! Maybe i want to keep something to myself and not have you fucking bitches know about every part of my life. There was a reason why i didn't tell you every detail about this year as i don't trust you. I know what you tell people things about others to improve you current social level at school.

Just cause my life is more interesting than your doesn't mean that you have the fucking right to spread rumors about things that aren't true. Get your facts right before you say something about me cause if you can't tell when i get pissed you better say out of my way.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you won't bring me down!
bring me down!
ohh ohhh ohhhh!

If someone was to read my past posts ever since created this blog one would find that they all have something in common. The past year my mind has focused around one thing and now my mind is clear about what i want.

Every posting would say the same thing

"the street is two ways why can't we meet in the middle"
or
"I need you to help me help myself"
or
"Why can't this work out or go back to how it was?"

Recently coming back from Sony Camp i am able to understand things more clearly. Sony Camp was the one thing that i needed to make me realise that i shouldn't hold onto you like i have in the past. That it is time to move on and i am excited to do this.

There are many people out there how would hopefully, happily accept me for me and would be willing to put up with me and i can't get to this while i keep holding onto you.

OK, i am going to go all sappy and weird now and possibly jinx myself but i think i have found an open door. Someone who think that the way i am is normal and thinks it is funny and wants to know me more. The overall meaning is that i am happy where i am now. Everything that happened in the past will remain with me and i will never forget but for this to work with you and me and others i need to do this.

Today i began to write a recap about my adventures on Sony camp but i realised that if i do that i would be here for hours. As i sit here at my computer there are many crazy, wonderful and memorable moments that i have experienced within the past 4 days.

Through some events that occurred i was able to realise things that i need in my life.

1. I now know that you are there for me and that you mean what you say. Before i would question but after one of our many debrief i know that you do care. You are trying to make it better and i love you for that. I might not show my thanks back as well as others but believe me that you added to my Sony camp experience.

2. I realised that Megan and i need our space. After spending 4 days together the need to be apart from one another is evident but thanks you added to my Sony camp experiences.

3. You are amazing and you deserve someone back and i think you need someone. So two of us have decided to help. Leave it with us and we will sort it out. You added to my experience.

4. Everyone who went on camp was from different groups but we connected. We were able to be there for others in times of need and were able to to help. Together we made Sony Camp what it was.

5. I never realised how much i would miss the weird sounds that you made. The crying at 2 in the morning, grinding of your teeth, the need for a vomit bag...... I find myself being quiet as thought you are still behind me and that i need to be there for you even though you are not here. You made my experience.

6. Thank you. Whenever i needed someone to talk to you were there. Thanks for letting me cry upon you and that you understand what i am talking about and the need i have to sort this out. Good thing yo had your collection of napkins. You added to my Sony Camp experience.

7. Thanks for helping me out. We really don't know one another but i hope that we can. Without someone to talk to other than Megan i wouldn't know how i could have survived. Thanks for saying he was talking to me and not the bins. You added to my Sony Camp and helped me out of my dark times.

8. I have never talked to you about things from my past but you know and you allowed me to talk to you about it. Even with Jordan smacking us. Thank you, it meant a lot. You added to my experience

I could offer you a world of gace...to make you feel my love

I feel like Marie Terrase When she fell in love with pacaso...there affair was passionate...but he never loved her back...and continued to love him after he left her...she never stopped loving him even when he died...

Life seemed like a Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you know?

Do You Know (Ping Pong Song)

DO YOU KNOW

Do you know?
Do you know?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

If birds flying south is a sign of changes
At least you can predict this every year
Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly
I can't get it to speak
Maybe if I knew all the things it took to save us
I could fix the pain that bleeds inside of me
Look in your eyes to see something about me
I'm standing on the edge and I don't know what else to give.

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
How can I love you?
If you just don't talk to me, babe.

I flow through my act
There's a question: Is she needed?
And decide all the man I can ever be.
Looking at the last 3 years like I did
I could never see us ending like this.

(Do you know?)

Seeing your face no more on my pillow
Is a scene that's never ever happened to me.

(Do you know?)

But after this episode I don't see
You could never tell the next thing life could be

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

(Do you know?)
(Do you know?)
(Do you know?)
(Do you know?)

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
Do you know, do you know, do you know, do ya?
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?

Do you know what it feels like loving someone that's in a rush to throw you away?
(Do you know how it feels?)
Do you know what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the door has changed?
(Do you know how it feels?)

(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)
(Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you?)

Mind...Can't Handle me!

It is my plan for the rest of school to get a summer body, so I've been running 3.5k every 2-3days with my friend Terrance down the road. A few weekends ago Cecil and I had a little bit of a fight well not really but he got angry at me for being too 'clingy' and i had to defend myself. While I was having this little crisis Terrance offered his help and since then we talk everyday and talk more than Cecil and I even though Cecil apologized and we are better than we have been in a long time. But I have this feeling whenever I see Terrance that he has other feelings for me other than a friend and Its mucking up my head. He holds me around the waist when someone is coming up behind us on a bike or to force me closer to him and i have to retreat to a reasonable distance. When we talk he talks about contemplating events when hes in the shower and when i ask whats wrong he says nothing I was just thinking about 'event=4km' and hes starting to scare me cause i do kind of like him but not the way i like Cecil. I like Terrance but I love Cecil.
FUCK GIRLS EMOTIONAL STABILITY

I just feel like going to a social and dancing all my worries away. I want a job. I want to feel happier. I do feel happier than in a while but this is just too much for me I was happy with one minty but now I feel greedy and slutty cause I havnt told Cecil that I run with Terrance...should I tell him...Im sure he won't mind...I hope he does and wants me to only run with him and then he may see me more. I would love to see Cecil more but he doesn't feel my heartache which longs to be with him when I see other girls with there boys and hear them talking about seeing them the next day and txting during class and I feel so lonely and I think that its the reason Im starting to lean towards Terrance because I miss feeling loved I miss intimacy I miss being held tight I miss passionate kisses I miss Cecil. I really miss you Cecil!!

Connection

Poems dont connect with me but for some reason this one does and i cant stop thinking about it.


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Finally has something in her treasure box...............

Weeks of anger

So, I know I said that I wasn’t going to blog for a while but something is pissing me off. I can’t just sit here and wait for you to come to me so I am doing something about it.

I thought we were over this, trying to make things better but nothing is happening. I can’t live like this anymore. It is driving me insane.

I feel like I am going backwards when I need to go forward. You tell me to be blunt, you like that but I am not that kind of person. Usually if something annoys me, I block it out and focus upon something else. This time however I can’t do that. I can’t sit by and watch this friendship disappear. Trust me I have tried.

I wish that time could go backwards so I could change how things ended. This would stop me hurting myself and others that I love because I am angry at you.

After last night I was going to say something but I couldn’t. Last night was the opportunity for many things, many questions to answer and the chance to see how people act under certain circumstances. None of the above was achieved.

I am fine just a couple of random breakdown every couple of days but this is just my way of living. There will always be little things that will piss me off but I just need to get over them.

I know this is not the best place to talk about this but you are not listening to me. There is possibly a chance that you will be pissed at me for writing more on this topic for everyone to see like you have in the past. So I will keep it plain and sweet.

Communication is a must…….

Dear all blogger and followers.

Tonight i decided to stop blogging for a while.
At the start of this year when we decided to create this blog i thought it was a good thing.
A place where people who knew me could understand what i was thinking and doing.
But now i realise it is not the best thing, or place for me.

This year i have lost myself, found myself and asked myself a lot of questions which i don't know the answers to. I feel as thought i have lost parts of me here and i think people know to much about me.
I have no more secrets to tell them.


All i needs is a little bit of space to breathe
and a little bit of freedom to be who i want to be
let me be me

Love means learning to let me go and spread my wings
you let me grow and live life you gotta let me be
let me be me

Months

EIGHT, eight

How time flies
How time change
How life becomes different so quickly

Ironic

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Mouse

I am going to tell a story……

Once upon a time there was a mouse.
His name was Louie and was 5 years of age.
As a young mouse he would always think about joining circus.
This is all the little mouse would do.
This was his life long dream.

On arrival to the circus the Louie realised his calling was to walk the tightrope.
The mouse saw the wire and knew it was right.
He thought the wire would fully support him as he would travel across.

The mouse takes ONE step

The mouse takes TWO steps

The mouse takes a THIRD step and the wire becomes wobbly and unstable.
The little mouse if not sure what will happening.
Should he run back to safety or will the mouse be ok?
The mouse regains his stance and takes another step along the wire.
The mouse still believes that the wire will support it.
This time the mouse is wrong.
The wire begins to move.
The mouse falls but luckily grasps hold of the swaying wire.
While hanging from the wire the mouse looks around and realised that the wire is attached to a pole.
He gets worried.

What does the mouse do????

He is scared that if he keeps hold of the wire that he will eventually fall due to lack of support.
The mouse looks down and sees the unknown, A pit of darkness.

Is the mouse better holding onto the string or should the mouse fall?
The mouse wonders how life would be if he held onto the sting and didn’t let go.
Would his arms get sore?
Would he get hungry?
What would he do if he needs to sleep?
But if he falls into the pit would life be simple, easy, relaxing, no-stress, no hurt, no hatred.

The house lets go and falls into the pit of darkness

My BIRTHDAY will never be the same......







On anther note:

I haven't been here for a while and that is because everything with me is fine.
I am actually happy and ok with everything. And i love it.

Little Lion Man.......



didn't I, my dear?

You are my Brad..... You can piss me off, make me angry, make me hate you but yet i can't help but care.

There holidays are making me think, but this time it is good thinking. I think about my future and what i am going to do. Where am i going to be and who will i be with. I realise that i waste a lot of myself on people that don't need it. Who don't appreciate it. Who don't appreciate me. Why do i waste my love on them when i know that you don't want it.

I pray for that time will come when they want me but i will no longer be there for them. Then i hope that they will realise what they missed out on.

Unknown

What am i meant to do? ANSWER UNKNOWN

What am i meant to say? ANSWER UNKNOWN

How am i meant to act? ANSWER UNKNOWN

I can't stop thinking, like it has been all year.
I need to stop it, but i don't know how.

I make myself think about something else but in a few minutes it will be back again. Haunting me, teasing me. It will never go away

Do i mean anything to anyone???
Would people care if i wasn't here??
If i didn't exist??
Would life be easier??

I think it would!!!

When people say you mean something to them are they telling you the truth or are they trying to make you feel better about yourself. I am not sure.

Three days ago i understood everything. For once i understood me and what i want but now i am not sure if that is what i actually need. I don't know what to do?? Tell me what to do!!!

Cheryl Cole tells us to fight for this love, but i don't think i want to fight anymore.

Thank-you for letting me be me for 2 days but i don't think she will be back for a while.

Jessica

I wish i didn't have to live anymore.....

I wish that life was simple
I wish that people would have told me the truth
I wish that you were there for me
I wish that i knew what my brain was thinking
I wish that i could talk to you
I wish that i could go back in time
I wish that i could run away from everything
I wish that life made sense
I wish that you didn't feel this way
I wish that you knew how i felt and feel
I wish that i could change the past
I wish that i could remove people from my life
I wish that you will eventually need me
I wish that you will forgive me
I wish that you will accept me
I wish that i could spend another day with you before i never see you again
I wish you will never forget me
I wish that i didn't have to cry as much as i do
I wish that you cared for me at some point
I wish that my con's list will eventually become all become pro's
I wish that you hadn't asked me to hangout yesterday
I wish that i knew what i needed
I wish that you loved me the same way i felt back
I wish that i could fall asleep and everything would go away
I wish that i didn't have act ok when i am not
I wish that i can be my old self again without worrying what people think
I wish that i coud stop thinking about other people's feelings
I wish that you could feel the pain that i do
I wish that this will all go away
I wish that you wont make me change my feekings because you say you can't deal with it
I wish i could cry infront of you


This is my wish list

Crying

Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder today.

I know i can always count on you for the best advice and today was no different. I know what i have to do but it is really hard to do considering what i have told you.

It is like a packet of cigarettes that you can't put down, you can't give up but you know for your health that you need to. Hid them somewhere so no one will ever find or see you with them.

I have to find this packet of mine and hid it away so it can't be seen and then i might not have to cry to you as much.

Xx

It is offical 7 has now become 8. I know i said this a couple of months ago but now it is true and has become a reality. And i HATE it.

This year so much has happened to me.

There was 190 days that i could have spent focusing upon myself but instead there wasn't a day that passed that i didn't think about someone else. I hate that i wasted my time on them and that i hurt others by what i did. But i couldn't help it. I am not a robot that you can just turn the switch off when you say so. I am not one of these people no matter what you say say or what you want me to do.

I don't think i have ever hated someone in my life as much as i do now. You know that i hate you and you like that. You want to earn my trust back and i love that you want to do that, but i am not totally sure what to say.

I have never been put in this position where someone has hurt me. I am not sure what to do. I know i have never felt this feeling before or have ever been put in this position to have to decide what to do. I am not sure of i should forgive you or just leave me hating you for what you did.....????

I know that later there is a possibility that i will hate myself for posting this but i feel as though i need to.

Primary and Secondary Sources

I need to write down what i am thinking inside.....

I need to say what i need to say.
I know what it is inside but when i write it i can't.
I wrote a letter expressing what i needed to say,
But i destroyed it so you can never know what is happening in my head.
I think no one actually knows what is in there, not even me.

I am currently destroying any knowledge of my past life as hard as it may be. I dont want to posses letters, emails or texts. The only thing i can keep are the memories that i can barley remember as it seems like a lifetime ago.

I now feel alone. As if i am the only one here. With no one to love me. With no one to care for...

I am putting the cork in the bottle and never letting my true self emerge.

All that work and what did it get me,

Why did i do it,

Scrapbooks full of me in the background,

Give them love and what does it get ya,

What does it get you,

One quick look as each of them leave you,

All your life and what does it get you,

Thanks a lot and out with the gargabe,

They take bows and your back in zero,


Toss them alside as if you dont care if you WISH

Dance

So when the night falls,
My lonely heart calls.

Oh! I wanna dance with somebody.

I wanna feel the HEAT with somebody.

Yeah! I wanna dance with somebody,

With somebody who loves me.

Place

If you want to be put in your place come to me,
I need to say things to you that might hurt you
but i know right now i am the only one that can open your eyes so you can see how much you have hurt people,
If i do this i hope you will be put back in you place,

I know that you read this blog and when you do i want you to know that if you want to know how much you have hurt people or just want to go back to being the loving person that you were before.....

Come to me and i promise that i will put you back. If you can't talk at school text me and i will call you as that might be easier for you.

My life would suck without you!!!

Im too young to worry...
Is it wrong to be worried and scared and anxious and angry and sad all at the same time. Im not depressed...I just made the biggest mistake of my life...well technically not me but the outcome of what happened could ruin my America trip, my Greece trip and the relationship I have with everyone I love. I am so scared and I wont know the truth for a while so I have to try hold my sanity together at the same time as getting ready for exams and holidays. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want this to ruin anyone else s life!!!!

KK
xoxo
over and out

Missing you

where are you, I need you??
Is it to late to say i miss the old you

Well......

I MISS THE OLD YOU.

You use to be like me, didn't care about what people thought,
Now it feels as though a part of you has gone and i don't like it,
( Oh who have i heard that from)

Where is the old you that i could have fun with and we could do whatever and we didn't care.

I Miss her

Before i could count on you to be there for me and I was able to have fun with you but now i can't find her when i really need her the most.

All i can do is think about how life was like before
I was crazy and weird and i liked it.
Promise me that if i return to you, that you will return to me.

Life is a prayer, and i am praying that you return soon.

One truth down.... Two to go.

I just hope that this person wont judge me for telling the truth.

Lying

I have got to stop lyin....

I lie to you all the time and you dont know it,
I lie cause i don't think you could handle the truth,
I lie as i don't think you could handle the real me,
I lie to protect you from hurting,
I lie as i know people cant handle me telling them the truth,

Whenever someone asks me if i am ok or happy....... i lie,
I sugar coat it
blow things off as if i am ok with it
I never say what i want to say as i am always thinking about their feelings

I tell you a lie to make YOU feel better, to make it seem as if am ok.
I know if People ask me if i am ok with something, i say yes as i know that is the answer that they are wanting,
I make my life crap for the sake of my friends are having a better one.

If anyone has asked me an important question this week or over this year, i think you need to ask me again and this time ask me for my true feelings towards it.

I need to slop this,
I am making my life miserable and making myself angry for not telling the truth to anyone,

Over the past two days, three people have asked me questions and everytime times i have lied to them just to make them feel better. I am trying to weight up the pro's and con's of telling the truth and even though the con's list is longer.....
I know for me it is the right thing to do.

I didn't tell you all the truth as i know you are broken and i am not sure if you can handle me saying this.
Just don't hate me or yell at me just know that i as a person need to do this. I know i will be nervous to tell the truth but i think for you it will in the future make you a better person.

Lying only makes problems, i should know i have told more lies this year than truths

<3

Odette......


Just want you to know that i love you and that i will always be there for you like you were to me today.

X

People say

if you want something so much , that you should fight it......

but in this case the thing i want i have to let go

KK

changing

Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna think anymore!
I left my head and my heart on the bedroom floor.
Stop callin', stop callin',
I don't wanna be known as a whore!
I left my head and my heart on the bedroom floor.


I love it how i can change the lyrics to fit in with people lives....

I chatted to someone yesterday and she put things in perspective for me……

I understand and it is in my head.

I do really.

I am not just saying this to make things go back to normal but so that you know and we can stop this tenseness that I see.

I always knew that’s what you would eventually want but me being selfish kept pushing you and didn’t put your problems into what I did or said. In your letters you say that you pushed me, when I actual fact I was the one pushing you. Therefore this doesn’t make me the ‘good guy’ in this story but instead you get this role. I get the ungrateful, pushy bitch that makes life complicated role instead.

And For this I am SORRY.

Anyway the main message for this is to explain to you that I understand, everything has sunk in and I am ok with that. You know that I will always be there for you no matter what but I need you to talk to me again. I feel as though I have done something to make you feel this way. People tell me that it isn’t me but instead that you are just stressed but I totally don’t believe them.

By posting this blog I am sorry for bringing it up again and for that I am sorry. I know it is hard to talk about but I really want you to know this……….

I am not sure the next time you will read this or even if you will but I needed a way to say this and hopefully you would eventually read this.

Xx

Everybody says...Time means everything.

1. Get a B on accounting Exam
2. Think of a present for Jono
3. Get a Job!
4. Finish Chemistry Assignment
5. Get a B on english oral
6. Don't FAIL!!!
7. Save for Greece, America and anti-schoolies
8. Buy a dress for graduation on topshop
9. All I want is a miracle!
10. Buy a piggi bank
11. Buy another Canvas
12. Start paintings again
13. SCREAM AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE SO NO ONE HERES ME
14. GET ANGRY AT JONO...ACTUALLY GET ANGRY
15. make panecakes
16. make banana cake
17. Buy something for myself
18. Get some new clothes...ones that will actually fit me
19. Find someone who wont forget about me!
20. Dye hair redish brown
21. Buy another black and white photo and frame it
22. Buy a fluffy pillow (A BIG ONE)
23. Buy some sexy lingerie
24. Start up a sport
25. GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
26. RUN AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Things i have leant......

1. That your family will always love you no matter what
2. That cause someone has hurt you, doesn't mean that you should hurt yourself back
3. That you should always put your education at the top of teh list as that is your future
4. That sometimes it is a good thing to keep things to yourself and to not tell others even if you think it is the right decision
5. Life will get better in the end
6. That drama and problems are everywhere
7. That we all have that one or two people we can always count on to make you feel good about yourself
8. That my friends will always be there and i will always be there for them.

oh! never
shall sun that morrow see

If you fall for me, I'm not easy to please

I WISH I COULD JUST HIT YOU AND WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life is a mystery
Everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home

These four lines sum up life

HURT

I wish i could hurt you as much as i feel inside
I wish i could punch something just so something knows how i feel
I wish i could run away
I wish i could talk to people about what is annoying me
I wish i could actually talk to you and say what i need to say
I wish i could vanish
I wish i could disapear
i wish i could die

I think if this happens people's life would be so much easier.

So….. Where shall I begin???

First of all I think I need to thankyou to M.

You don’t know who much talking to you has made me feel better. You text me all time asking for updates which makes me laugh. I know you don’t want me to stuff it up like you did and instead to seize the opportunity and I think that I why you are helping me. Even thought I have known you for almost 17 years I never feel as though we would be having this conversation EVER. It is weird that you know me so well, we have only talk 4 times a year but I feel as though you understand me and that is something I need right now.

I feel as though I have lost myself and I can’t remember and can’t find the old me. I use to have my walls up protecting me from danger and as soon as this happens I let them done exposing myself to the danger and you are there to help me. You don’t know how much it means to me that you want to help, M.

I wish that we were this close 3 months ago when I needed you, we both were going through the same topics/problems. I feel as though I need to be there for you as we are both in the same boat and I promise that I will be there for you!!!! Your messages make me laugh and make me love myself and I never though I would get that from you. I knew you were different but I never thought you were like me (2/4). Hopefully it won’t be weird next time I see you, seeing that we both know each others secrets but instead lets us each have someone to talk to about it as we have no one else that we can.

I will be here for you M as I know they don’t understand.

Back to the finding myself…. I think I need to let go of everything and find myself. I never am thinking about what is in it for me but instead what others and what they will gain if I wait. I need to cut these strings that tie me to people and return back to the old me where I didn’t care about people opinion and thoughts. I loved myself then and I know others did to.

Also before i finish this blog i would like to give a shout out to Molly, Thanks for helping out on Friday. You don't know how much i love you.

Xx

I hate it when I feel as though I need to blog. I am one not to tell people when something is wrong but instead you read it from my blog. If I am unhappy with something you will find a blog related to it. But I find myself feeling as though I need to say something about the past week. This being that I haven’t blogged in ages and thought you may want to know what is happening inside my head.

My head space is good, for once. I have nothing to worry about. Everything is sorted out and I can finally think straight. I am finding myself become less self-conscience around certain people but you will have to give me more time before I am back to the old Caitlin that you cared about before. I sometimes find myself tense up and not being relaxed when it is needed and for that I am sorry.

Final note: One thing that I have learnt is that you must love yourself, cause if you don’t then who will. I just want to say thankyou for making me realise this.

Xx

LOVE

This is just a blog saying things that I love:

I Love my Family
I Love my Friends
I Love to have fun
I Love Dick Van Dyke
I Love Hugs
I Love feeling as though I mean something to someone
I Love Travelling
I Love Odis, Alex, Pete, Pepii 2, Homer, Draco
I Love Running
I Love Surfing
I Love Heath Ledger
I Love Strawberries
I Love Spunky
I Love Arial
I Love NCIS
I Love Drama
I Love being +4 Caitlin to who ever is around me
I Love to let loose
I Love to remix songs
I Love Adam Lambert
I Love the Patriot
I Love making my lunch with my head phones in wearing a sports bra and shorts
I Love to Lord of the Flies
I Love lying on the ground
I Love getting so emotionally attached to a song that I start dancing and/or singing out loud
I Love my converse
I Love staying up late
I Love it when people make me laugh
I Love it when I get scared of moths
I Love my contemplation hut
I Love fish and chips
I Love it when people have a scent and you can smell them when they are not there
I Love that I know my friends will always be there for me even if I change

And I Love that you made me realise that I love MYSELF

Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. I get angry at the weirdest things. Recently I have been so worked up I can’t help myself but vent about things that I later realise that I don’t want to.

Crispy Chips: I am sorry if I hurt you. I really am, I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what I am thinking and I have been angry at myself recently. I shouldn’t have posted that blog but instead I should have talked to you. I wish I could go back to Monday, where everything was sorted out and you talked to me. If I could I would not have said what I said as I know what is going on in your life and shouldn’t have pushed it. I know who much I have hurt you even though I haven’t talked to you since Monday. I can tell how much you hate me. . I haven’t been thinking right at the moment and I have so much pressure on me by my parents and others that I can’t help but be angry at things that don’t exist. I am really sorry that I said that stuff, I don’t know what is wrong with me, I am not being myself and I hate it.

I hate not being able to talk you, after everything that has happened even though it wasn’t your fault. There are quick glances, and group acknowledgements but nothing solid and I hate that. I want to say sorry to you in person but everything I go to talk to you I feel horrible for what I did and I see that you don’t want to talk to me. I wave and I don’t see a reply that makes me feel more like an idiot as everything was sorted out and then I go and put my big foot in and wreck it. I hate myself so much right now and it makes me angrier that I can’t do anything to help it.

I never thought anyone actually read this blog by evidently people do which includes you. I am so sorry for anything I have done to you, and to others involved. I hope that you will read this blog soon as with everything that is happening I can’t afford to loose another of my close friends that I love to something so stupid on my behalf. I want to pick up my phone and text you so say what I have just said in this blog but I am worried that if I do that you want reply and ignore my text leaving me to wonder if you got it.

Homer: To my other friend, I am also sorry for not talking you personally. I know I can come to you for anything and you will be there for me. Like today it made me feel so good that you talked to me during our lesson. I need to talk to you as something is wrong with me and I can’t continue living like this hating myself. Today during drama Emma told me how much I have hurt you and I feel really bad. I don’t know why I felt as though I couldn’t come to you. You are one of the only people I can talk you and Monday I felt so bad after you texted me and after you told me what happened that night. I don’t want to leave my last year with people hating me and I want to be there for you when we are older. There was a point in time where I thought that I had lost you as a friend last year but after everything that happened I can see that you will always be there for me. I don’t know what made me feel as though I had lost you but it made me feel distant.

Squally: Thank you so much, you don’t know how much I love you. Last term I felt as though I couldn’t talk to you even though I really wanted to. I am glad that I now can talk to you about stuff in my life but it makes me feel one hundred times better knowing that you know and yet are still there for me. Thankyou for today at lunch, I don’t know what to say. You made me feel so good after my drama news and you were just there to make me feel like someone needed me.

Blanche: I blogged about you a couple of weeks ago about something that I was meant to talk to you about and I am not sure if you replied but the way that you are acting is making me so happy. You are one of my closest friends and I didn’t want to loose you. You are always there to make me feel better about myself and I know that you will always be there for me and I hope that I can do the same to you.

I cant imagine what my life would be like if i didn't have friends like you guys and i dont want to learn the hard way of what life could be like. I hope you all read this blog and know how much you all mean to me.

Smithy Xx

Everytime I turn around....somethings just not right!

I am already over this Term and we just started! I sick and tired of being told I am incompetent, that I am dumb! So I failed maths! alright yeah I was away basically a third of the term and I didn't get to learn most topics so when It came down to knowing what I needed to learn no teacher told me that I needed to know certain things even when I went through the text book questions I still failed. I am going to move to maths A and I don't care what my parents think or what teachers say if I have potential because I don't I just DON'T. I hate that every teacher expects a friggin A+++ from their students. Its harsh and unjust. Alright were not all prodigy children. No one is. not even the smartest girl in my group. No one is perfect! I wish they would stop sending us mixed messages. Yes we know we may miss a class due to an excursion but yes we realise that but we also want to balance out how we achieve in our subjects as much we can. I wish everything could be so much easier or someone could give me a god given solution to life. My mother is having a mid life crisis, she screams at night that her bones hurt, all her bones ache and she can't do anything. My brother is always at UNI 24 hours a day and my sisters are too immature to realise that they need to pitch in and Its all stuck to me and I HATE IT. I wish I could have a break from everything. Ive been suffering like this since I was 10 and I sick and tired of always thinking of others before myself. Its natural. I can't help it, I wish i could turn it off. I hate how everyone thinks that I have to get over everything from last year/this year quick snap...yeah I am trying to but I am not so flexible like that or resistant...Its really going to take me years. I so wish I could just go lie in Jono's arms for the rest of my life...Dear GOD....you blessed my broken road to him.

ex oh ex oh
Blossom

16 years of stuff i need to get off my chest

Seven….. It seems like a small number. You could have 7 friends, 7 subjects at school, 7 books that are on your reading list. Many would see this number as nothing but for me it is huge.

Most of my life I have been pretty messed up.
I have changed how I act and my personality so many times it is unbelievable. I did this as I thought people didn’t like me therefore I changed how I was presented but it didn’t change anything about how they see me.

I have had seven obstacles in my life that shattered me. When this happens I get up, dust myself off and continue trying to be me. I personally don’t even think that theses 7 know how much they had impacted upon my life, maybe 2 or 3 know but I think the rest don’t actually care.

Now these 7 have changed to 8. It is ok, I am use to it. This time is was different though. I wasn’t one sided, at some point we were on the same page and believed the same thing.

In my life I have done things that I regret…Twice to be precise. It is nothing that I am proud of and if I could go back I would. Only four people know, myself and three others. I don’t really talk about it much as I try to put it behind me and try not to focus upon it. It is too hard to talk about therefore not even the closest people to me know. I think people would see me differently if they knew, well I know one that would and I don’t want to cause that hatred. It is nothing bad but I know they wouldn’t see me the same again.

The only time I feel as thought I mean something is when I am dancing with friends. If I didn’t have my friends I am not sure how I would be. There are so many times that I have thought that I don’t want to be here but then I know my family couldn’t handle it is something were to happen to me. They have gone through enough this year and I think that is why I am still here.

Many would wonder why I am thinking this and the answer is that I am over life and everything to do with it. I didn’t think of this as much as I do now. When people look at me they see someone who loves to have fun and loves being around friends and family. I think that many of them would never think that I would be saying this but it isn’t one of those things that you just talk about why you eat lunch. I know if they knew, that they would try to help me but I am not sure how they can help me.

I just know I want to be myself, have sweet payback to thoes Seven who have fucked up my life, Try not think about what i have done in the past and to focus on the future as there is so much in my life that i need to do.

Harry Hawkes Xx

please

for go sake he dosn't care. He dosn't know how much I care about him. How proud I am of him. I refuse to be shoved away I am not just a peice of meat. I am a lover. I am his lover. I do not want another broken heart. I hope being away hasn't changed his feelings. I am so scared. Somebody please tell me its all ok. Please.

happy :)

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT comes home tonight :D

Love is not lost in distance, It grows with the hope and patience of its contributors

So I was going to blog the other night and last night, but I am now. I just can't sleep without looking at my phone every 5 seconds thinking He's going to text me, when I know hes not. I tossed and turned every night...even giving in to listening to Michael Buble for hours or his favorite song so I felt like he was there with me. Good thing is he is coming home tomorrow night, thank the lord jesus christ. I am so proud of him tho. This morning his mum told me He got best player for his first match and a jersey for being one of his schools best soccer players. To me he is pretty amazing...A lot of people don't realise it because they only look at his academic side instead of athletic. I wish he knew how proud I was right now. I wish I knew when he flight gets in tomorrow so I can be there waiting for him, but I know I'll probably start crying like a little girl. we've never been away from each other without any sources of contact for this long and its hard, but I know It was also good for us because at the end of the year we will have to deal with the same thing for a lot longer. I love him and I am so proud of him. I can not wait to see him again, let alone hear his voice on the phone, Its driving me insane.

There Smithy hahaha happy

xoxo K

Finding the right words to say never happens for me…… I don’t know why.

I am in love with holidays right now; there is nothing that is making life horrible for me. Everything is how I want it to be. It gives me time to think about everything that has this year and just understand it more.

The major thing I realised is that I think too much, but I believe that it was good for me. It has allowed me to for once think about myself and realise what I need to change in my life and what I need to sort out. For once I blocked out the thoughts of parents, grandparents and friends that before would of effected the outcome of my actions. I thought about the past, present and began to think about my future. It is sad but after 11 year and 1 term of schooling it is hard to believe that we only have 3 terms left. This though scares my, but also excites me. I love having friends around me that know what they want to be; doctor, accountant or a teacher. It makes me think about what I want to do and is motivation to be whatever I want to do as I know I can.

The underlining message of this blog is that I am actually happy right now in my life even though there are loose ends that need to be sorted out, but for once there is nothing to worry about and I love it.

Draco Xx

“Vivere senza rimipianti”......

“to live without regrets”

Over LIFE

I wish i could run away, run away from everything and everyone.
Today i tried, I was gone for 35 mins and someone was actually worried, well that makes 1 person

I ran to the shops as fast as i could, only took me 5mins
I sat at the park for the rest of the 30 mins, thinking
I personally think people these days to many people think outloud..... to many problems get created this way.

I need to vent to someone but there is to much wrong with me. I am over everything, I wish everything could just go away. I wish i could jus run and that as i run everything disapeared.

When i got home, i didn't eat anything and i am not going to.
When i am angry or upset i dont eat, it is how i cope.
Even at work today i wasn't myself, Garath kept having to make me laugh, which is pretty harde for him. But i love him for trying.
Think he is wanting tp become a shrink or something, aking me what is wrong, but to be honest there is to much.
This couple wanted a refund and i flipped out, it wasn't my fault. we didn't even sell the item. Arg i hate theses people.

I really dont want to get my report card as i know i did shit. There is to much happening. I wish i had a blog to myself that no one knew about that i could vent and the only people who knew lived in Germany or something. Therefor you would never know about my problems or things that keep me awake at night.

I am guessing that you dont read this blog, but if you do i want you to know what is happening and that i cant think straight and need to 'tent' to someone.

I feel as thought i am the only one who is venting upon this blog, it is making me feel as though i am th eonly one with problems.

Xx

Don't know what to do?????

my brain is like mush and i don't know what to do??

last night i didn't sleep at all, i looked at the clock and i read 1am, then 2am and so on. there is just so much going on that i truely cant think. this year so much has happened to me compared to others and it has only been 10 weeks.......

first there was my pa, Pa pennell. i dont even know what to say, you never realise how much you love someone until they are gone.

then there is this stuff with another friend of mine and i personally don't know what to do. You know the truth but in a way it feel as though you ignore it when i am around and focus upon you past. When this happenes i don't know what to do. I don't know how to act or what to say as i feel like a third wheel. I want to talk about it but i can't.

Xx

I don't understand?????

It really annoys me when people say 'you never know what you have until it is gone' but what is it when you realise the thing you wanted is not what you really want.

This is not directed at anyone but just something that came into my mind the other day.

Xx

No need for a time machine

So today i braced myself for WW3, waiting for my friend to yell at me asking what the hell i was thinking, but it didn't happen. there was no kicking, yelling or ignoring me, it was civil...... I made me wonder if you were there or not.... watching

In a way i am glad it happened, therefore i don't need to worry about you not knowing.

Now i can sleep slightly better, now knowing that you know even if you totally ignore what happened as you dont want to accept what happened

Xx

I like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly...

I am going crazy! I can't sleep properly and my mind is driving me insane :s
Some girl asked J to her formal and so I was like yeah that's fine until she was all bitchy about it but I still let him go anyway cause i know he'd get angry at me if I didn't and think I didn't trust him...and I do trust him. He had originally told me that this girl lived in Sydney until she asked him and then he fessed up and told the truth but said they were just friends, this sounds like a soap opera but yes it gets worse when I remembered he told me one of his ex's names was Chelsea and i though maybe this was the same girl and he said no and then a few weeks ago he told me he had lied...that she was actually his ex, that he didn't tell me because he thought i wouldn't let him go if I knew...IT GETS WORSE!!!! then the other day when he was at mine we were talking about formals and she came up when we were discussing what he could wear and then he was saying that he was angry at her...and I found out she was the girl who tried to break us up last year cause he never tells me their names he just says 'his ex' instead of there real names so I am so not sure but she has caused me all this pain and I ve never met or talked to her and my heart feels like its being taken away. When I went to the dance the other night I could breath, I was looking at the couples wishing that was me...to have someone be there for me just once instead of lying and bringing me down and making me cry so so so so much cause everything hurts...I want it to stop...I don't want to be me anymore...HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs Jonas

i will always love my Chocolate Mud cake with sprinkles!!!!!!

FUCK.... i wish i could go back in time for real. i am currently talking to my friend on msn and now i am worried. Many eat or kick stuff when they are any but i keep it inside and hope it will go away. At this point in time i am meant to be doing revision on the Persian Wars, Colonisation and how to find fucking Simple interest. What the Fuck.... i dont give a shit and i can't learn any of this as i am can't as my life is shit recently and i wish i could go back in time. Last night was fun then i wake up this morning only to find out that it was actually shit. everything in my life that i wanted to stay with me is now in the open for everyone to know........ and i wish i could have talked to some of you personally instead of shit dances. I am so angry that i didn't talk to you personally i just didn't know what to say. You have always been there for me and i can't imagine my life without you and it makes me angry that i cant talk to you about this. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! and i dont want to wreck our friendship as i have know you forever.

FUCK I AM JSUT SO ANGRY THAT I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU BEFORE AND WITH THAT I AM SORRY!!!!!

CAITLIN

Untitled.

So i have three things to talk about

1.)
Lately, everyone has just been so over everthing
so sad and angry and depressed
and i hate that, i hate that we are sepnding some of our very last lunchtimes worrying about assignments and exams when for that 40 minutes or so we could just forget everything and be happy
but we cant, cos thats life
its hard and stupid and unfair
and i hate that i'm complaining about how bad life is when i look around and i'm so much better off than everyone else

2.)
please stop being angry with yourself because you have done NOTHING wrong.
please dry your tears because life may seem really shit at the moment but it will get better, maybe not soon but it will
sorry i'm not good at giving advice but if you ever need someone, know that i'm here for you

3.)
"Don't do it for him, do it for yourself"
so today i got an A for my QUT exam and i thought that was pretty good
so i told my mama bear and she was like good job and all that
and then she told dad he didnt say anything, like usual
well i'm sorry i didnt fucking get and A+
i'm sorry i'm just not good enough
she says that i shouldnt be doing it for him
but the only reasons i got those marks is because i am doing it for him...well for me and her too
i dont even know why i try somtimes.

elephant

Time Machine

don't you hate it when you when something happens and you wish that you could go back in time?? well this week was one of them. Things came out that i didn't want, well i wanted them out but not in the way that they did. i think that i cried at least one each of these past days if not more.

This week i stuffed up massively, you asked me a question and i responded by telling the truth and i guess that is no what you were wanting to hear. But it is not my fault.... you kept on pushing me. if you didn't want to know then you shouldn't of kept asking. i haven't talked to you since monday afternoon and it is making me fustrated. I made myself believe that it was not my fault that you just over reacted but this afternoon you texted me and it made me so angry that you could even think to say that. the more i think abotu it the more i know why you acted that way, i know, i can see it. If you felt that way then you should of just told me and then we wouldn't be in the situation.

On another note, but on the same subject, i feel as though i stuffed up a friendship because all of this. i have been trying how to tell you but i couldn't. we discussed it Thursday but i didn't say all that i needed to, there is more. But i don't want to being it up because i am over there being tension between us. i make me angry that i can't be myself when i am around you. i don't know why, maybe because when ever i see you, you make me think. Therefor making me think about what i want and what you want. I swear i have short term memory loss as i can't remember thursdays convo at all. I need to talk to you again but i can never find the time as everyone is always around but i want to talk to you. Maybe it would be easy for me to just email you but i don't know how to say it in words when i write.

You know who this is

i will always love you

So I have this box, more like a tub that sits under my bed. It is full of memories: School report cards, every single birthday card I have ever gotten, my year 1 school book and photo’s of the ones I love. Many would think that this is weird but it is a way for me to remember those close to me when they are no longer near…….

Today while I was doing my English homework my mum gave me some old report cards from primary school that actually said I was good at maths (wonder what happened). So I stoped my English homework and headed for my room to put them into my box. As I was placing them into my display book with the rest of them, I decided to unpack the box and as many would say ‘what has happened in my life’.

Then I found those books your parent’s buy that has the first word you spoke or the first time you went for a walk by yourself. There I was reading it trying to imprint these dates in my head of the exact time I was born (4.48am) or the first time I crawled (8 months) and that page of quotes that things that people said when you were born, reading this page made me think about where my life was going and the loved ones I recently lost that I can’t imagine my life without.

Ever since January I haven’t been able to anything. I haven’t been able to pay attention in class because there is always something that reminds me about my Pa. Before I lost my Pa, I remember talking to him about what I would do once I finished school and what I wanted to be. He was so excited that I would be going to Qut and completing Start Program so start my career as an Account, but now I cant. My life is undecided and I can’t talk to him about it. One thing that keeps me strong is that my Nana is always there to make me feel better.

As I write this blog, I can’t help but cry and remember that day. It started out as any other of the school holidays. I was excited to go back to see my friends at school in a couple of days and to start working on my future. I remember being in my room getting dressed when mum comes in and tells me that I need to stay at home until the girls get home from a sleep over my other nana’s place. She told that she and dad were going to the hospital as something had happened to Pa that night and that all the children were advised to go to the hospital. I didn’t know how to react and after they left I spent more that half and hour crying and figuring out how to tell my sister that they needed to come home right away. You know what you have to tell someone some bad news that you will cry, so I had prepared myself to not cry as I called my nana to ask her to bring the girls home as I needed to talk to them, but as you can guess I didn’t even make it to morning nana. So the girls came home and I told then what happened. I swear I went through a box of tissues myself and nothing much had actually happened yet. So we continued on with what we had planned for that day, preparing our school bags, making sure everything was named and cleaning the house as we didn’t want to clean the next day. The phone didn’t stop ringing all day, with cousins, work members of my parents calling to know what had happened.

Then suddenly we heard a car pull up outside and dad coming in to collect us three girls to take us to the hospital. As I ran to get a jumper, I heard that home phone ring. It was my mum, I could tell in her voice that something had happened. I asked her what happened at the words I began to ball. The girls kept asking me what had happened but I couldn’t tell them. Then all I can remember is arriving at the hospital and dad leaving the way to his room. With a few breaks along the way to pull myself together we came to a small area of the hospital. There is saw my nana, mum, auntie and uncle huddled in a corner with thousands of scrunched tissues around them. I had to stay out side, I couldn’t bring myself to see him. I didn’t want to wreck the memories that I had by seeing him there. So I waited outside trying to call IGA to tell them that I couldn’t work, but like normal I couldn’t get through like usual, so I kept trying. Once again I had pulled myself together to talk to my boss but I couldn’t keep it in. Now every time I go to nana’s and pa’s I walk past his room and look at his terrible fashion he had and I know that he is above me watching me and leaving me in the right direction.

Why oh why cant I?

High school was meant to be something incredible to look forward to...its nothing like the TV shows you watch at a young age and think all teenagers are beautiful, happy and successful. Truth is I'd kill to have my life mimic there's!
I'm struggling as it is to get myself out of depression and the mountain of work and stress load is harder again. My skins lifeless, I'm skinny but eating more yet my parents think I'm anorexic and keep forcing me to watch shows about anorexic girls when they know that impossible with the amount I eat! It's making me go crazy! I sit down at my desk at start to do homework and nothing comes out, no words, no letter, no typing...I feel like I have a big jet engine in my ears ringing constantly so I can't think straight! I wake up all the time when I'm sleeping and I can never get back to sleep. I never get the work I want done done. I'm servery lacking in the grades I need I really wish someone could just click there fingers or give me some red slippers.

Dazed and confused
xx

easy

it is so easy...
you disrupt me, but i can't complain

Xx

so i was going to start a blog late last year
it was going to be way to "vent" as caitlin would say
because i'm the type of person that likes to hold everything in and then cry myself to sleep or in the shower because i cant talk to people about things
and then something stopped my but i dont quite know what
i've realised that i dont tell people much when i have problems and stuff
not even my mum whos like the closest person in the world to me
and i dont know why. maybe cos i'm too emtotional
like right now my eyes are watering. i hope blogging doesnt make me depressed :|
well anyways
right now i'm not liking life at all
and i'm freaking out
about everything and anything
i'm stressed and tired and i want to crawl up into a little ball and just lie there not having to think about anything...not that its ever going to happen.
but then i think, there are so many more people who have so much more to juggle
and then i think maybe i just need to toughen up and just get over it but its hard
ughh, and now the stress is making my hair fall out :| like everytime i run my hand through my hair, some strads always come out and i'm getting more pimples and losing weight so by the end of the year i'm going to be a bald, anorexic and pimply
well thats just fucking great.
off to start my accounting homework now...

elephant xo

Blocked Mind

Don't you hate it when you mind is full of problems, and yet you have no one that you can talk to.
Well Recently my mind has been full of things that i need to tell people about, but the thing is that i have no one that i can talk to. no one understands and even if i talked about it, i am not sure how it would be taken by certain people.
but there is one lesson that i get excited to go to as in that class i have someone that i can vent to and understands. i dont where i would be if i didn't have this person to talk to.
So for now i am just keeping everything to myself and hopefully it will go away

ODIS Xx

KK

Well School holidays didn't go so well...they started boring and got worse. Which is unlikely to occur twice. But yes my friends decided that a camping trip would be fun and so those who could go went and those who could, didn't. I was able to go until my parents chucked a hissy and said i had to stay with them at out beach house (located on the other side of caloundra). So I informed my friends of these sad tidings but bargained with my parents that it was unfair to keep me locked up and moping around for the rest of the holidays. On the Tuesday my dad drove me to their camp site. I had made them dinner (as requested), brought them ice (as requested) and waited more than 10-15 minuets outside the complex juggling all of the above plus my daily utensils. When they finally arrive to show me back to their site all i got was a 'they' in a slightly bored tone with lack of energy for someone who had been living on natella and fresh food. I decided there was no point in me getting upset about the fact they weren't very welcoming and i sat in the corner trying to talk to people but they seemed more interested in the football team across the lot. I thought it was all ok until another friend arrived and they all raced out to her asap because they thought she might have been standing out there for ages!!!! Gee wiz! well I still didn't not show my displacement until they all introduced her to their man friends (football friends) and i was left to the side. Now you cant say there is nothing wrong with that! It wasn't long before my father called and said he was on his way. So i said goodbye to everyone even though I was crushed with there lack of friendship. I told them I would come back on the Thursday and so I did. But this time however I had to walk the 1 1/2 hour trip to their camp and was yet again ingorned and left out. Some people talked to me a bit but you could tell something was up and i wanted to burst out in tears, I felt so uncomfortable....So I faked that my mum wanted me home and I almost ran the 1 1/2 hour walk home. I wanted to just stop and cry, but them all the people around would stare at me. My holidays were ruined. I thought they were friends. I thought they were always upbeat nice people, but all they cared about was getting with guys and reciting "wades" funny quotes from the previous night. When I got home I ran to my room and grabbed my beach towel and togs and bolted down to the beach where I later fell asleep. In the mid evening I got a MSG from one of the girls saying "I happened to noticed the cuts on your legs. Whats all that about". So I explained the fact I have dry skin from the harsh whether which was affecting my exam and when i scratch my legs it leaves small scratches. After going in the water (salt water) the scratches got irritated and all sore. the reply's after my message consisted of "come on tell us the truth" and "haha your funny now tell us the truth" but I really was telling the truth and she wouldn't believe me.
When school began again I acted as if nothing had hurt me as much as they did. I tried to be as friendly as possible. Until one day in math’s I was doing so good I felt so good that day cause I had done so much work which was abnormal for me and then disaster struck. The girl beside me tapped me on the shoulder and said "look". As I looked up one of my so called friends was staring at me with another group of girls and they looked like they were giggling. So I quickly shoved my head back into the books. Yet again I wanted to scream and cry and i don't know run away. Later one of the girls who was sitting with her told me that she thought I had been death staring her and I thought that was utterly self obsessed of her (I know that mean to say but that's true). Everyone has to have a break during class and look up from their books, after all she was doing it to...she was looking at me that's the same thing. I knew she would go tell the other and from previous things they have blamed me for...none of them have trust in me when they say trust is the best thing in friendship. So I went and sat with another group! They are nice and welcoming, not judgmental, not racist; don't need material objects and boys to make them happy. I sent my ex-group a MSG explaining why I had left and I explained to one of them partly that I didn't like sitting with them. I thought It was all fine until I was sending one of them (who i thought was nice) a MSG on myspace and as i sent it her other msgs were shown below. There was a few from the girl who said I was death staring her saying "At least shes not our problem anymore". I had to freeze and stop typing on my computer....I was a problem. So I sent the girl a MSG too explaining that she had it all wrong and that I wasn't death staring her and if I was I didn't mean it. I usually stare off into space. But she continued to tell the other girl she was sick of me and so I began to feel sick. The next day at school, they were in all my classes and I could hear them gossiping about me and others came up to me telling me what they had been saying...that I was an attention seeker! that I was a syco! that I lie!!!! I couldn't believe these people, these girls who I once thought were friends, were basically backstabbing me. I asked one of them via text MSG why they were saying all this mean stuff about me and she said I had to come see them. So I did and as I got to the group table half got up and walked away and the others just placed there head face down on the table or looked away so I just left and went back to the group I was sitting with. They kept msging me and asking where I was but I was so so so so i dunno that I just said "anywhere" and "everywhere". I wasn't going to talk to them if they were going to be so bitchy and rude. That afternoon I went to choir and then to my bf's (who took me out to dinner). I tried not to show that I was upset and hurt but he noticed straight away. So I told him what had happened. When I got home I had barely got to the front door when my parents bombarded me and yet again those girl had stepped in my life, in fact they had jumped in and stampeded on my life. This time they had gone to see the year level coordinator and told her I had been harming myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Over the weekend I got reflux and was so sick I couldn't eat nor sleep. I stayed home Monday cause I felt so ill and Tuesday had to go cause of a religion excursion. After the excursion I went to the coordinator and told her the story and showed her my legs (my mother has the same type of problem with her legs as well). She organized for me to go see the counselor on the Wednesday and she said she would update her with my current bullying. That evening I called my bffl and we had a long talk. A we were talking a MSG from my bf came through my phone saying "babe I don't want to scare you but someone has told me u wrote a suicide letter last term". It turned out one of the girls from my ex-group had been txting him during the day trying to persuade him that I was a liar. He kept asking me if I lie to him and I never had, I’d always told him everything even things they didn't know. He didn't text back and I got so worried I was so anxious and I couldn't stop crying I thought he was going to leave me. I got less than an hour sleep that night. He txted me back in the morning explaining that he had fallen asleep and that he would never think twice about our relationship and he always believed me. I was so happy that he believed me but the fact she had been saying all those things just brought me to tears. I went to school and saw the councilor who helped me a lot and she gave me a lot of advice to help me through all this trauma. Id stayed away from the internet over the weekend but I watched as they posted 'some people are just fcuks' on the previous Friday night with many more similar to come and explained that to the coordinator and councilor. I wanted them to stop hurting me like this, It is just cruel. I was told that they knew they had ignored me on the holidays and only one of them said sorry. I was told they didn't bitch about me but through the rumors and msgs that was obviously not true. They say they trusted everyone in our group yet they blame me for everything and even though I knew I was right that time I beat myself up mentally because of it. Now that's not what friends do o each other. Friends should be there for one another and I know I was always there for them when they needed help. I never told their secrets and I never will. But to have them turn their backs on you and say they never did that well I guess I made the right decision when I moved groups. I don't like the fact they have told people about me and everywhere I walk I get stares.
Since then a few more incidents have occurred where I have been intimidated at work, which I quit not along after. I have been yelled at walking home from school, my boyfriend has had rude things posted of him over facebook, and I endure everyday in their classes and listen to their chatter, watch their stares, and hear about stories from people. A friend told me recently that they approached her and questioned why I she was friends with me…now have they really stooped so low as to take away all the friends I cherish and love to be around every day, because they are who have kept me sane these past months.
My boyfriend and I have decided that if anything happens again were talking everything to the police…the school won’t do anything about it so it’s in our hands to save ourselves from going insane cause were all each other has when we need a friend.
but I want them to know, where ever I go I have someone and I am happy without them, I have found myself and I don't need to lie to get somewhere In life because I know who I am and you can’t tell me that I can’t be like that because you don't control me anymore and the things you say and stories you make up won’t last long because the truth always finds a way. It is now 6 months since this whole thing began and I am still recovering but I shall keep recovering as long as it takes me.