Seven….. It seems like a small number. You could have 7 friends, 7 subjects at school, 7 books that are on your reading list. Many would see this number as nothing but for me it is huge.
Most of my life I have been pretty messed up.
I have changed how I act and my personality so many times it is unbelievable. I did this as I thought people didn’t like me therefore I changed how I was presented but it didn’t change anything about how they see me.
I have had seven obstacles in my life that shattered me. When this happens I get up, dust myself off and continue trying to be me. I personally don’t even think that theses 7 know how much they had impacted upon my life, maybe 2 or 3 know but I think the rest don’t actually care.
Now these 7 have changed to 8. It is ok, I am use to it. This time is was different though. I wasn’t one sided, at some point we were on the same page and believed the same thing.
In my life I have done things that I regret…Twice to be precise. It is nothing that I am proud of and if I could go back I would. Only four people know, myself and three others. I don’t really talk about it much as I try to put it behind me and try not to focus upon it. It is too hard to talk about therefore not even the closest people to me know. I think people would see me differently if they knew, well I know one that would and I don’t want to cause that hatred. It is nothing bad but I know they wouldn’t see me the same again.
The only time I feel as thought I mean something is when I am dancing with friends. If I didn’t have my friends I am not sure how I would be. There are so many times that I have thought that I don’t want to be here but then I know my family couldn’t handle it is something were to happen to me. They have gone through enough this year and I think that is why I am still here.
Many would wonder why I am thinking this and the answer is that I am over life and everything to do with it. I didn’t think of this as much as I do now. When people look at me they see someone who loves to have fun and loves being around friends and family. I think that many of them would never think that I would be saying this but it isn’t one of those things that you just talk about why you eat lunch. I know if they knew, that they would try to help me but I am not sure how they can help me.
I just know I want to be myself, have sweet payback to thoes Seven who have fucked up my life, Try not think about what i have done in the past and to focus on the future as there is so much in my life that i need to do.
Harry Hawkes Xx
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