I hate it when I feel as though I need to blog. I am one not to tell people when something is wrong but instead you read it from my blog. If I am unhappy with something you will find a blog related to it. But I find myself feeling as though I need to say something about the past week. This being that I haven’t blogged in ages and thought you may want to know what is happening inside my head.

My head space is good, for once. I have nothing to worry about. Everything is sorted out and I can finally think straight. I am finding myself become less self-conscience around certain people but you will have to give me more time before I am back to the old Caitlin that you cared about before. I sometimes find myself tense up and not being relaxed when it is needed and for that I am sorry.

Final note: One thing that I have learnt is that you must love yourself, cause if you don’t then who will. I just want to say thankyou for making me realise this.

Xx

LOVE

This is just a blog saying things that I love:

I Love my Family
I Love my Friends
I Love to have fun
I Love Dick Van Dyke
I Love Hugs
I Love feeling as though I mean something to someone
I Love Travelling
I Love Odis, Alex, Pete, Pepii 2, Homer, Draco
I Love Running
I Love Surfing
I Love Heath Ledger
I Love Strawberries
I Love Spunky
I Love Arial
I Love NCIS
I Love Drama
I Love being +4 Caitlin to who ever is around me
I Love to let loose
I Love to remix songs
I Love Adam Lambert
I Love the Patriot
I Love making my lunch with my head phones in wearing a sports bra and shorts
I Love to Lord of the Flies
I Love lying on the ground
I Love getting so emotionally attached to a song that I start dancing and/or singing out loud
I Love my converse
I Love staying up late
I Love it when people make me laugh
I Love it when I get scared of moths
I Love my contemplation hut
I Love fish and chips
I Love it when people have a scent and you can smell them when they are not there
I Love that I know my friends will always be there for me even if I change

And I Love that you made me realise that I love MYSELF

Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. I get angry at the weirdest things. Recently I have been so worked up I can’t help myself but vent about things that I later realise that I don’t want to.

Crispy Chips: I am sorry if I hurt you. I really am, I didn’t mean to. I don’t know what I am thinking and I have been angry at myself recently. I shouldn’t have posted that blog but instead I should have talked to you. I wish I could go back to Monday, where everything was sorted out and you talked to me. If I could I would not have said what I said as I know what is going on in your life and shouldn’t have pushed it. I know who much I have hurt you even though I haven’t talked to you since Monday. I can tell how much you hate me. . I haven’t been thinking right at the moment and I have so much pressure on me by my parents and others that I can’t help but be angry at things that don’t exist. I am really sorry that I said that stuff, I don’t know what is wrong with me, I am not being myself and I hate it.

I hate not being able to talk you, after everything that has happened even though it wasn’t your fault. There are quick glances, and group acknowledgements but nothing solid and I hate that. I want to say sorry to you in person but everything I go to talk to you I feel horrible for what I did and I see that you don’t want to talk to me. I wave and I don’t see a reply that makes me feel more like an idiot as everything was sorted out and then I go and put my big foot in and wreck it. I hate myself so much right now and it makes me angrier that I can’t do anything to help it.

I never thought anyone actually read this blog by evidently people do which includes you. I am so sorry for anything I have done to you, and to others involved. I hope that you will read this blog soon as with everything that is happening I can’t afford to loose another of my close friends that I love to something so stupid on my behalf. I want to pick up my phone and text you so say what I have just said in this blog but I am worried that if I do that you want reply and ignore my text leaving me to wonder if you got it.

Homer: To my other friend, I am also sorry for not talking you personally. I know I can come to you for anything and you will be there for me. Like today it made me feel so good that you talked to me during our lesson. I need to talk to you as something is wrong with me and I can’t continue living like this hating myself. Today during drama Emma told me how much I have hurt you and I feel really bad. I don’t know why I felt as though I couldn’t come to you. You are one of the only people I can talk you and Monday I felt so bad after you texted me and after you told me what happened that night. I don’t want to leave my last year with people hating me and I want to be there for you when we are older. There was a point in time where I thought that I had lost you as a friend last year but after everything that happened I can see that you will always be there for me. I don’t know what made me feel as though I had lost you but it made me feel distant.

Squally: Thank you so much, you don’t know how much I love you. Last term I felt as though I couldn’t talk to you even though I really wanted to. I am glad that I now can talk to you about stuff in my life but it makes me feel one hundred times better knowing that you know and yet are still there for me. Thankyou for today at lunch, I don’t know what to say. You made me feel so good after my drama news and you were just there to make me feel like someone needed me.

Blanche: I blogged about you a couple of weeks ago about something that I was meant to talk to you about and I am not sure if you replied but the way that you are acting is making me so happy. You are one of my closest friends and I didn’t want to loose you. You are always there to make me feel better about myself and I know that you will always be there for me and I hope that I can do the same to you.

I cant imagine what my life would be like if i didn't have friends like you guys and i dont want to learn the hard way of what life could be like. I hope you all read this blog and know how much you all mean to me.

Smithy Xx

Everytime I turn around....somethings just not right!

I am already over this Term and we just started! I sick and tired of being told I am incompetent, that I am dumb! So I failed maths! alright yeah I was away basically a third of the term and I didn't get to learn most topics so when It came down to knowing what I needed to learn no teacher told me that I needed to know certain things even when I went through the text book questions I still failed. I am going to move to maths A and I don't care what my parents think or what teachers say if I have potential because I don't I just DON'T. I hate that every teacher expects a friggin A+++ from their students. Its harsh and unjust. Alright were not all prodigy children. No one is. not even the smartest girl in my group. No one is perfect! I wish they would stop sending us mixed messages. Yes we know we may miss a class due to an excursion but yes we realise that but we also want to balance out how we achieve in our subjects as much we can. I wish everything could be so much easier or someone could give me a god given solution to life. My mother is having a mid life crisis, she screams at night that her bones hurt, all her bones ache and she can't do anything. My brother is always at UNI 24 hours a day and my sisters are too immature to realise that they need to pitch in and Its all stuck to me and I HATE IT. I wish I could have a break from everything. Ive been suffering like this since I was 10 and I sick and tired of always thinking of others before myself. Its natural. I can't help it, I wish i could turn it off. I hate how everyone thinks that I have to get over everything from last year/this year quick snap...yeah I am trying to but I am not so flexible like that or resistant...Its really going to take me years. I so wish I could just go lie in Jono's arms for the rest of my life...Dear GOD....you blessed my broken road to him.

ex oh ex oh
Blossom

16 years of stuff i need to get off my chest

Seven….. It seems like a small number. You could have 7 friends, 7 subjects at school, 7 books that are on your reading list. Many would see this number as nothing but for me it is huge.

Most of my life I have been pretty messed up.
I have changed how I act and my personality so many times it is unbelievable. I did this as I thought people didn’t like me therefore I changed how I was presented but it didn’t change anything about how they see me.

I have had seven obstacles in my life that shattered me. When this happens I get up, dust myself off and continue trying to be me. I personally don’t even think that theses 7 know how much they had impacted upon my life, maybe 2 or 3 know but I think the rest don’t actually care.

Now these 7 have changed to 8. It is ok, I am use to it. This time is was different though. I wasn’t one sided, at some point we were on the same page and believed the same thing.

In my life I have done things that I regret…Twice to be precise. It is nothing that I am proud of and if I could go back I would. Only four people know, myself and three others. I don’t really talk about it much as I try to put it behind me and try not to focus upon it. It is too hard to talk about therefore not even the closest people to me know. I think people would see me differently if they knew, well I know one that would and I don’t want to cause that hatred. It is nothing bad but I know they wouldn’t see me the same again.

The only time I feel as thought I mean something is when I am dancing with friends. If I didn’t have my friends I am not sure how I would be. There are so many times that I have thought that I don’t want to be here but then I know my family couldn’t handle it is something were to happen to me. They have gone through enough this year and I think that is why I am still here.

Many would wonder why I am thinking this and the answer is that I am over life and everything to do with it. I didn’t think of this as much as I do now. When people look at me they see someone who loves to have fun and loves being around friends and family. I think that many of them would never think that I would be saying this but it isn’t one of those things that you just talk about why you eat lunch. I know if they knew, that they would try to help me but I am not sure how they can help me.

I just know I want to be myself, have sweet payback to thoes Seven who have fucked up my life, Try not think about what i have done in the past and to focus on the future as there is so much in my life that i need to do.

Harry Hawkes Xx

please

for go sake he dosn't care. He dosn't know how much I care about him. How proud I am of him. I refuse to be shoved away I am not just a peice of meat. I am a lover. I am his lover. I do not want another broken heart. I hope being away hasn't changed his feelings. I am so scared. Somebody please tell me its all ok. Please.

happy :)

HOLIDAY ENTERTAINMENT comes home tonight :D

Love is not lost in distance, It grows with the hope and patience of its contributors

So I was going to blog the other night and last night, but I am now. I just can't sleep without looking at my phone every 5 seconds thinking He's going to text me, when I know hes not. I tossed and turned every night...even giving in to listening to Michael Buble for hours or his favorite song so I felt like he was there with me. Good thing is he is coming home tomorrow night, thank the lord jesus christ. I am so proud of him tho. This morning his mum told me He got best player for his first match and a jersey for being one of his schools best soccer players. To me he is pretty amazing...A lot of people don't realise it because they only look at his academic side instead of athletic. I wish he knew how proud I was right now. I wish I knew when he flight gets in tomorrow so I can be there waiting for him, but I know I'll probably start crying like a little girl. we've never been away from each other without any sources of contact for this long and its hard, but I know It was also good for us because at the end of the year we will have to deal with the same thing for a lot longer. I love him and I am so proud of him. I can not wait to see him again, let alone hear his voice on the phone, Its driving me insane.

There Smithy hahaha happy

xoxo K

Finding the right words to say never happens for me…… I don’t know why.

I am in love with holidays right now; there is nothing that is making life horrible for me. Everything is how I want it to be. It gives me time to think about everything that has this year and just understand it more.

The major thing I realised is that I think too much, but I believe that it was good for me. It has allowed me to for once think about myself and realise what I need to change in my life and what I need to sort out. For once I blocked out the thoughts of parents, grandparents and friends that before would of effected the outcome of my actions. I thought about the past, present and began to think about my future. It is sad but after 11 year and 1 term of schooling it is hard to believe that we only have 3 terms left. This though scares my, but also excites me. I love having friends around me that know what they want to be; doctor, accountant or a teacher. It makes me think about what I want to do and is motivation to be whatever I want to do as I know I can.

The underlining message of this blog is that I am actually happy right now in my life even though there are loose ends that need to be sorted out, but for once there is nothing to worry about and I love it.

Draco Xx

“Vivere senza rimipianti”......

“to live without regrets”

Over LIFE

I wish i could run away, run away from everything and everyone.
Today i tried, I was gone for 35 mins and someone was actually worried, well that makes 1 person

I ran to the shops as fast as i could, only took me 5mins
I sat at the park for the rest of the 30 mins, thinking
I personally think people these days to many people think outloud..... to many problems get created this way.

I need to vent to someone but there is to much wrong with me. I am over everything, I wish everything could just go away. I wish i could jus run and that as i run everything disapeared.

When i got home, i didn't eat anything and i am not going to.
When i am angry or upset i dont eat, it is how i cope.
Even at work today i wasn't myself, Garath kept having to make me laugh, which is pretty harde for him. But i love him for trying.
Think he is wanting tp become a shrink or something, aking me what is wrong, but to be honest there is to much.
This couple wanted a refund and i flipped out, it wasn't my fault. we didn't even sell the item. Arg i hate theses people.

I really dont want to get my report card as i know i did shit. There is to much happening. I wish i had a blog to myself that no one knew about that i could vent and the only people who knew lived in Germany or something. Therefor you would never know about my problems or things that keep me awake at night.

I am guessing that you dont read this blog, but if you do i want you to know what is happening and that i cant think straight and need to 'tent' to someone.

I feel as thought i am the only one who is venting upon this blog, it is making me feel as though i am th eonly one with problems.

Xx

Don't know what to do?????

my brain is like mush and i don't know what to do??

last night i didn't sleep at all, i looked at the clock and i read 1am, then 2am and so on. there is just so much going on that i truely cant think. this year so much has happened to me compared to others and it has only been 10 weeks.......

first there was my pa, Pa pennell. i dont even know what to say, you never realise how much you love someone until they are gone.

then there is this stuff with another friend of mine and i personally don't know what to do. You know the truth but in a way it feel as though you ignore it when i am around and focus upon you past. When this happenes i don't know what to do. I don't know how to act or what to say as i feel like a third wheel. I want to talk about it but i can't.

Xx