It really annoys me when people say 'you never know what you have until it is gone' but what is it when you realise the thing you wanted is not what you really want.
This is not directed at anyone but just something that came into my mind the other day.
Xx
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
No need for a time machine
So today i braced myself for WW3, waiting for my friend to yell at me asking what the hell i was thinking, but it didn't happen. there was no kicking, yelling or ignoring me, it was civil...... I made me wonder if you were there or not.... watching
In a way i am glad it happened, therefore i don't need to worry about you not knowing.
Now i can sleep slightly better, now knowing that you know even if you totally ignore what happened as you dont want to accept what happened
Xx
In a way i am glad it happened, therefore i don't need to worry about you not knowing.
Now i can sleep slightly better, now knowing that you know even if you totally ignore what happened as you dont want to accept what happened
Xx
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I like to make myself believe that planet earth turns slowly...
I am going crazy! I can't sleep properly and my mind is driving me insane :s
Some girl asked J to her formal and so I was like yeah that's fine until she was all bitchy about it but I still let him go anyway cause i know he'd get angry at me if I didn't and think I didn't trust him...and I do trust him. He had originally told me that this girl lived in Sydney until she asked him and then he fessed up and told the truth but said they were just friends, this sounds like a soap opera but yes it gets worse when I remembered he told me one of his ex's names was Chelsea and i though maybe this was the same girl and he said no and then a few weeks ago he told me he had lied...that she was actually his ex, that he didn't tell me because he thought i wouldn't let him go if I knew...IT GETS WORSE!!!! then the other day when he was at mine we were talking about formals and she came up when we were discussing what he could wear and then he was saying that he was angry at her...and I found out she was the girl who tried to break us up last year cause he never tells me their names he just says 'his ex' instead of there real names so I am so not sure but she has caused me all this pain and I ve never met or talked to her and my heart feels like its being taken away. When I went to the dance the other night I could breath, I was looking at the couples wishing that was me...to have someone be there for me just once instead of lying and bringing me down and making me cry so so so so much cause everything hurts...I want it to stop...I don't want to be me anymore...HELP!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs Jonas
Some girl asked J to her formal and so I was like yeah that's fine until she was all bitchy about it but I still let him go anyway cause i know he'd get angry at me if I didn't and think I didn't trust him...and I do trust him. He had originally told me that this girl lived in Sydney until she asked him and then he fessed up and told the truth but said they were just friends, this sounds like a soap opera but yes it gets worse when I remembered he told me one of his ex's names was Chelsea and i though maybe this was the same girl and he said no and then a few weeks ago he told me he had lied...that she was actually his ex, that he didn't tell me because he thought i wouldn't let him go if I knew...IT GETS WORSE!!!! then the other day when he was at mine we were talking about formals and she came up when we were discussing what he could wear and then he was saying that he was angry at her...and I found out she was the girl who tried to break us up last year cause he never tells me their names he just says 'his ex' instead of there real names so I am so not sure but she has caused me all this pain and I ve never met or talked to her and my heart feels like its being taken away. When I went to the dance the other night I could breath, I was looking at the couples wishing that was me...to have someone be there for me just once instead of lying and bringing me down and making me cry so so so so much cause everything hurts...I want it to stop...I don't want to be me anymore...HELP!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs Jonas
i will always love my Chocolate Mud cake with sprinkles!!!!!!
FUCK.... i wish i could go back in time for real. i am currently talking to my friend on msn and now i am worried. Many eat or kick stuff when they are any but i keep it inside and hope it will go away. At this point in time i am meant to be doing revision on the Persian Wars, Colonisation and how to find fucking Simple interest. What the Fuck.... i dont give a shit and i can't learn any of this as i am can't as my life is shit recently and i wish i could go back in time. Last night was fun then i wake up this morning only to find out that it was actually shit. everything in my life that i wanted to stay with me is now in the open for everyone to know........ and i wish i could have talked to some of you personally instead of shit dances. I am so angry that i didn't talk to you personally i just didn't know what to say. You have always been there for me and i can't imagine my life without you and it makes me angry that i cant talk to you about this. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!! and i dont want to wreck our friendship as i have know you forever.
FUCK I AM JSUT SO ANGRY THAT I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU BEFORE AND WITH THAT I AM SORRY!!!!!
CAITLIN
FUCK I AM JSUT SO ANGRY THAT I DIDN'T TALK TO YOU BEFORE AND WITH THAT I AM SORRY!!!!!
CAITLIN
Friday, March 19, 2010
Untitled.
So i have three things to talk about
1.)
Lately, everyone has just been so over everthing
so sad and angry and depressed
and i hate that, i hate that we are sepnding some of our very last lunchtimes worrying about assignments and exams when for that 40 minutes or so we could just forget everything and be happy
but we cant, cos thats life
its hard and stupid and unfair
and i hate that i'm complaining about how bad life is when i look around and i'm so much better off than everyone else
2.)
please stop being angry with yourself because you have done NOTHING wrong.
please dry your tears because life may seem really shit at the moment but it will get better, maybe not soon but it will
sorry i'm not good at giving advice but if you ever need someone, know that i'm here for you
3.)
"Don't do it for him, do it for yourself"
so today i got an A for my QUT exam and i thought that was pretty good
so i told my mama bear and she was like good job and all that
and then she told dad he didnt say anything, like usual
well i'm sorry i didnt fucking get and A+
i'm sorry i'm just not good enough
she says that i shouldnt be doing it for him
but the only reasons i got those marks is because i am doing it for him...well for me and her too
i dont even know why i try somtimes.
elephant
1.)
Lately, everyone has just been so over everthing
so sad and angry and depressed
and i hate that, i hate that we are sepnding some of our very last lunchtimes worrying about assignments and exams when for that 40 minutes or so we could just forget everything and be happy
but we cant, cos thats life
its hard and stupid and unfair
and i hate that i'm complaining about how bad life is when i look around and i'm so much better off than everyone else
2.)
please stop being angry with yourself because you have done NOTHING wrong.
please dry your tears because life may seem really shit at the moment but it will get better, maybe not soon but it will
sorry i'm not good at giving advice but if you ever need someone, know that i'm here for you
3.)
"Don't do it for him, do it for yourself"
so today i got an A for my QUT exam and i thought that was pretty good
so i told my mama bear and she was like good job and all that
and then she told dad he didnt say anything, like usual
well i'm sorry i didnt fucking get and A+
i'm sorry i'm just not good enough
she says that i shouldnt be doing it for him
but the only reasons i got those marks is because i am doing it for him...well for me and her too
i dont even know why i try somtimes.
elephant
Time Machine
don't you hate it when you when something happens and you wish that you could go back in time?? well this week was one of them. Things came out that i didn't want, well i wanted them out but not in the way that they did. i think that i cried at least one each of these past days if not more.
This week i stuffed up massively, you asked me a question and i responded by telling the truth and i guess that is no what you were wanting to hear. But it is not my fault.... you kept on pushing me. if you didn't want to know then you shouldn't of kept asking. i haven't talked to you since monday afternoon and it is making me fustrated. I made myself believe that it was not my fault that you just over reacted but this afternoon you texted me and it made me so angry that you could even think to say that. the more i think abotu it the more i know why you acted that way, i know, i can see it. If you felt that way then you should of just told me and then we wouldn't be in the situation.
On another note, but on the same subject, i feel as though i stuffed up a friendship because all of this. i have been trying how to tell you but i couldn't. we discussed it Thursday but i didn't say all that i needed to, there is more. But i don't want to being it up because i am over there being tension between us. i make me angry that i can't be myself when i am around you. i don't know why, maybe because when ever i see you, you make me think. Therefor making me think about what i want and what you want. I swear i have short term memory loss as i can't remember thursdays convo at all. I need to talk to you again but i can never find the time as everyone is always around but i want to talk to you. Maybe it would be easy for me to just email you but i don't know how to say it in words when i write.
You know who this is
This week i stuffed up massively, you asked me a question and i responded by telling the truth and i guess that is no what you were wanting to hear. But it is not my fault.... you kept on pushing me. if you didn't want to know then you shouldn't of kept asking. i haven't talked to you since monday afternoon and it is making me fustrated. I made myself believe that it was not my fault that you just over reacted but this afternoon you texted me and it made me so angry that you could even think to say that. the more i think abotu it the more i know why you acted that way, i know, i can see it. If you felt that way then you should of just told me and then we wouldn't be in the situation.
On another note, but on the same subject, i feel as though i stuffed up a friendship because all of this. i have been trying how to tell you but i couldn't. we discussed it Thursday but i didn't say all that i needed to, there is more. But i don't want to being it up because i am over there being tension between us. i make me angry that i can't be myself when i am around you. i don't know why, maybe because when ever i see you, you make me think. Therefor making me think about what i want and what you want. I swear i have short term memory loss as i can't remember thursdays convo at all. I need to talk to you again but i can never find the time as everyone is always around but i want to talk to you. Maybe it would be easy for me to just email you but i don't know how to say it in words when i write.
You know who this is
Sunday, March 14, 2010
i will always love you
So I have this box, more like a tub that sits under my bed. It is full of memories: School report cards, every single birthday card I have ever gotten, my year 1 school book and photo’s of the ones I love. Many would think that this is weird but it is a way for me to remember those close to me when they are no longer near…….
Today while I was doing my English homework my mum gave me some old report cards from primary school that actually said I was good at maths (wonder what happened). So I stoped my English homework and headed for my room to put them into my box. As I was placing them into my display book with the rest of them, I decided to unpack the box and as many would say ‘what has happened in my life’.
Then I found those books your parent’s buy that has the first word you spoke or the first time you went for a walk by yourself. There I was reading it trying to imprint these dates in my head of the exact time I was born (4.48am) or the first time I crawled (8 months) and that page of quotes that things that people said when you were born, reading this page made me think about where my life was going and the loved ones I recently lost that I can’t imagine my life without.
Ever since January I haven’t been able to anything. I haven’t been able to pay attention in class because there is always something that reminds me about my Pa. Before I lost my Pa, I remember talking to him about what I would do once I finished school and what I wanted to be. He was so excited that I would be going to Qut and completing Start Program so start my career as an Account, but now I cant. My life is undecided and I can’t talk to him about it. One thing that keeps me strong is that my Nana is always there to make me feel better.
As I write this blog, I can’t help but cry and remember that day. It started out as any other of the school holidays. I was excited to go back to see my friends at school in a couple of days and to start working on my future. I remember being in my room getting dressed when mum comes in and tells me that I need to stay at home until the girls get home from a sleep over my other nana’s place. She told that she and dad were going to the hospital as something had happened to Pa that night and that all the children were advised to go to the hospital. I didn’t know how to react and after they left I spent more that half and hour crying and figuring out how to tell my sister that they needed to come home right away. You know what you have to tell someone some bad news that you will cry, so I had prepared myself to not cry as I called my nana to ask her to bring the girls home as I needed to talk to them, but as you can guess I didn’t even make it to morning nana. So the girls came home and I told then what happened. I swear I went through a box of tissues myself and nothing much had actually happened yet. So we continued on with what we had planned for that day, preparing our school bags, making sure everything was named and cleaning the house as we didn’t want to clean the next day. The phone didn’t stop ringing all day, with cousins, work members of my parents calling to know what had happened.
Then suddenly we heard a car pull up outside and dad coming in to collect us three girls to take us to the hospital. As I ran to get a jumper, I heard that home phone ring. It was my mum, I could tell in her voice that something had happened. I asked her what happened at the words I began to ball. The girls kept asking me what had happened but I couldn’t tell them. Then all I can remember is arriving at the hospital and dad leaving the way to his room. With a few breaks along the way to pull myself together we came to a small area of the hospital. There is saw my nana, mum, auntie and uncle huddled in a corner with thousands of scrunched tissues around them. I had to stay out side, I couldn’t bring myself to see him. I didn’t want to wreck the memories that I had by seeing him there. So I waited outside trying to call IGA to tell them that I couldn’t work, but like normal I couldn’t get through like usual, so I kept trying. Once again I had pulled myself together to talk to my boss but I couldn’t keep it in. Now every time I go to nana’s and pa’s I walk past his room and look at his terrible fashion he had and I know that he is above me watching me and leaving me in the right direction.
Today while I was doing my English homework my mum gave me some old report cards from primary school that actually said I was good at maths (wonder what happened). So I stoped my English homework and headed for my room to put them into my box. As I was placing them into my display book with the rest of them, I decided to unpack the box and as many would say ‘what has happened in my life’.
Then I found those books your parent’s buy that has the first word you spoke or the first time you went for a walk by yourself. There I was reading it trying to imprint these dates in my head of the exact time I was born (4.48am) or the first time I crawled (8 months) and that page of quotes that things that people said when you were born, reading this page made me think about where my life was going and the loved ones I recently lost that I can’t imagine my life without.
Ever since January I haven’t been able to anything. I haven’t been able to pay attention in class because there is always something that reminds me about my Pa. Before I lost my Pa, I remember talking to him about what I would do once I finished school and what I wanted to be. He was so excited that I would be going to Qut and completing Start Program so start my career as an Account, but now I cant. My life is undecided and I can’t talk to him about it. One thing that keeps me strong is that my Nana is always there to make me feel better.
As I write this blog, I can’t help but cry and remember that day. It started out as any other of the school holidays. I was excited to go back to see my friends at school in a couple of days and to start working on my future. I remember being in my room getting dressed when mum comes in and tells me that I need to stay at home until the girls get home from a sleep over my other nana’s place. She told that she and dad were going to the hospital as something had happened to Pa that night and that all the children were advised to go to the hospital. I didn’t know how to react and after they left I spent more that half and hour crying and figuring out how to tell my sister that they needed to come home right away. You know what you have to tell someone some bad news that you will cry, so I had prepared myself to not cry as I called my nana to ask her to bring the girls home as I needed to talk to them, but as you can guess I didn’t even make it to morning nana. So the girls came home and I told then what happened. I swear I went through a box of tissues myself and nothing much had actually happened yet. So we continued on with what we had planned for that day, preparing our school bags, making sure everything was named and cleaning the house as we didn’t want to clean the next day. The phone didn’t stop ringing all day, with cousins, work members of my parents calling to know what had happened.
Then suddenly we heard a car pull up outside and dad coming in to collect us three girls to take us to the hospital. As I ran to get a jumper, I heard that home phone ring. It was my mum, I could tell in her voice that something had happened. I asked her what happened at the words I began to ball. The girls kept asking me what had happened but I couldn’t tell them. Then all I can remember is arriving at the hospital and dad leaving the way to his room. With a few breaks along the way to pull myself together we came to a small area of the hospital. There is saw my nana, mum, auntie and uncle huddled in a corner with thousands of scrunched tissues around them. I had to stay out side, I couldn’t bring myself to see him. I didn’t want to wreck the memories that I had by seeing him there. So I waited outside trying to call IGA to tell them that I couldn’t work, but like normal I couldn’t get through like usual, so I kept trying. Once again I had pulled myself together to talk to my boss but I couldn’t keep it in. Now every time I go to nana’s and pa’s I walk past his room and look at his terrible fashion he had and I know that he is above me watching me and leaving me in the right direction.
Why oh why cant I?
High school was meant to be something incredible to look forward to...its nothing like the TV shows you watch at a young age and think all teenagers are beautiful, happy and successful. Truth is I'd kill to have my life mimic there's!
I'm struggling as it is to get myself out of depression and the mountain of work and stress load is harder again. My skins lifeless, I'm skinny but eating more yet my parents think I'm anorexic and keep forcing me to watch shows about anorexic girls when they know that impossible with the amount I eat! It's making me go crazy! I sit down at my desk at start to do homework and nothing comes out, no words, no letter, no typing...I feel like I have a big jet engine in my ears ringing constantly so I can't think straight! I wake up all the time when I'm sleeping and I can never get back to sleep. I never get the work I want done done. I'm servery lacking in the grades I need I really wish someone could just click there fingers or give me some red slippers.
Dazed and confused
xx
I'm struggling as it is to get myself out of depression and the mountain of work and stress load is harder again. My skins lifeless, I'm skinny but eating more yet my parents think I'm anorexic and keep forcing me to watch shows about anorexic girls when they know that impossible with the amount I eat! It's making me go crazy! I sit down at my desk at start to do homework and nothing comes out, no words, no letter, no typing...I feel like I have a big jet engine in my ears ringing constantly so I can't think straight! I wake up all the time when I'm sleeping and I can never get back to sleep. I never get the work I want done done. I'm servery lacking in the grades I need I really wish someone could just click there fingers or give me some red slippers.
Dazed and confused
xx
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
so i was going to start a blog late last year
it was going to be way to "vent" as caitlin would say
because i'm the type of person that likes to hold everything in and then cry myself to sleep or in the shower because i cant talk to people about things
and then something stopped my but i dont quite know what
i've realised that i dont tell people much when i have problems and stuff
not even my mum whos like the closest person in the world to me
and i dont know why. maybe cos i'm too emtotional
like right now my eyes are watering. i hope blogging doesnt make me depressed :|
well anyways
right now i'm not liking life at all
and i'm freaking out
about everything and anything
i'm stressed and tired and i want to crawl up into a little ball and just lie there not having to think about anything...not that its ever going to happen.
but then i think, there are so many more people who have so much more to juggle
and then i think maybe i just need to toughen up and just get over it but its hard
ughh, and now the stress is making my hair fall out :| like everytime i run my hand through my hair, some strads always come out and i'm getting more pimples and losing weight so by the end of the year i'm going to be a bald, anorexic and pimply
well thats just fucking great.
off to start my accounting homework now...
elephant xo
it was going to be way to "vent" as caitlin would say
because i'm the type of person that likes to hold everything in and then cry myself to sleep or in the shower because i cant talk to people about things
and then something stopped my but i dont quite know what
i've realised that i dont tell people much when i have problems and stuff
not even my mum whos like the closest person in the world to me
and i dont know why. maybe cos i'm too emtotional
like right now my eyes are watering. i hope blogging doesnt make me depressed :|
well anyways
right now i'm not liking life at all
and i'm freaking out
about everything and anything
i'm stressed and tired and i want to crawl up into a little ball and just lie there not having to think about anything...not that its ever going to happen.
but then i think, there are so many more people who have so much more to juggle
and then i think maybe i just need to toughen up and just get over it but its hard
ughh, and now the stress is making my hair fall out :| like everytime i run my hand through my hair, some strads always come out and i'm getting more pimples and losing weight so by the end of the year i'm going to be a bald, anorexic and pimply
well thats just fucking great.
off to start my accounting homework now...
elephant xo
Blocked Mind
Don't you hate it when you mind is full of problems, and yet you have no one that you can talk to.
Well Recently my mind has been full of things that i need to tell people about, but the thing is that i have no one that i can talk to. no one understands and even if i talked about it, i am not sure how it would be taken by certain people.
but there is one lesson that i get excited to go to as in that class i have someone that i can vent to and understands. i dont where i would be if i didn't have this person to talk to.
So for now i am just keeping everything to myself and hopefully it will go away
ODIS Xx
Well Recently my mind has been full of things that i need to tell people about, but the thing is that i have no one that i can talk to. no one understands and even if i talked about it, i am not sure how it would be taken by certain people.
but there is one lesson that i get excited to go to as in that class i have someone that i can vent to and understands. i dont where i would be if i didn't have this person to talk to.
So for now i am just keeping everything to myself and hopefully it will go away
ODIS Xx
Saturday, March 6, 2010
KK
Well School holidays didn't go so well...they started boring and got worse. Which is unlikely to occur twice. But yes my friends decided that a camping trip would be fun and so those who could go went and those who could, didn't. I was able to go until my parents chucked a hissy and said i had to stay with them at out beach house (located on the other side of caloundra). So I informed my friends of these sad tidings but bargained with my parents that it was unfair to keep me locked up and moping around for the rest of the holidays. On the Tuesday my dad drove me to their camp site. I had made them dinner (as requested), brought them ice (as requested) and waited more than 10-15 minuets outside the complex juggling all of the above plus my daily utensils. When they finally arrive to show me back to their site all i got was a 'they' in a slightly bored tone with lack of energy for someone who had been living on natella and fresh food. I decided there was no point in me getting upset about the fact they weren't very welcoming and i sat in the corner trying to talk to people but they seemed more interested in the football team across the lot. I thought it was all ok until another friend arrived and they all raced out to her asap because they thought she might have been standing out there for ages!!!! Gee wiz! well I still didn't not show my displacement until they all introduced her to their man friends (football friends) and i was left to the side. Now you cant say there is nothing wrong with that! It wasn't long before my father called and said he was on his way. So i said goodbye to everyone even though I was crushed with there lack of friendship. I told them I would come back on the Thursday and so I did. But this time however I had to walk the 1 1/2 hour trip to their camp and was yet again ingorned and left out. Some people talked to me a bit but you could tell something was up and i wanted to burst out in tears, I felt so uncomfortable....So I faked that my mum wanted me home and I almost ran the 1 1/2 hour walk home. I wanted to just stop and cry, but them all the people around would stare at me. My holidays were ruined. I thought they were friends. I thought they were always upbeat nice people, but all they cared about was getting with guys and reciting "wades" funny quotes from the previous night. When I got home I ran to my room and grabbed my beach towel and togs and bolted down to the beach where I later fell asleep. In the mid evening I got a MSG from one of the girls saying "I happened to noticed the cuts on your legs. Whats all that about". So I explained the fact I have dry skin from the harsh whether which was affecting my exam and when i scratch my legs it leaves small scratches. After going in the water (salt water) the scratches got irritated and all sore. the reply's after my message consisted of "come on tell us the truth" and "haha your funny now tell us the truth" but I really was telling the truth and she wouldn't believe me.
When school began again I acted as if nothing had hurt me as much as they did. I tried to be as friendly as possible. Until one day in math’s I was doing so good I felt so good that day cause I had done so much work which was abnormal for me and then disaster struck. The girl beside me tapped me on the shoulder and said "look". As I looked up one of my so called friends was staring at me with another group of girls and they looked like they were giggling. So I quickly shoved my head back into the books. Yet again I wanted to scream and cry and i don't know run away. Later one of the girls who was sitting with her told me that she thought I had been death staring her and I thought that was utterly self obsessed of her (I know that mean to say but that's true). Everyone has to have a break during class and look up from their books, after all she was doing it to...she was looking at me that's the same thing. I knew she would go tell the other and from previous things they have blamed me for...none of them have trust in me when they say trust is the best thing in friendship. So I went and sat with another group! They are nice and welcoming, not judgmental, not racist; don't need material objects and boys to make them happy. I sent my ex-group a MSG explaining why I had left and I explained to one of them partly that I didn't like sitting with them. I thought It was all fine until I was sending one of them (who i thought was nice) a MSG on myspace and as i sent it her other msgs were shown below. There was a few from the girl who said I was death staring her saying "At least shes not our problem anymore". I had to freeze and stop typing on my computer....I was a problem. So I sent the girl a MSG too explaining that she had it all wrong and that I wasn't death staring her and if I was I didn't mean it. I usually stare off into space. But she continued to tell the other girl she was sick of me and so I began to feel sick. The next day at school, they were in all my classes and I could hear them gossiping about me and others came up to me telling me what they had been saying...that I was an attention seeker! that I was a syco! that I lie!!!! I couldn't believe these people, these girls who I once thought were friends, were basically backstabbing me. I asked one of them via text MSG why they were saying all this mean stuff about me and she said I had to come see them. So I did and as I got to the group table half got up and walked away and the others just placed there head face down on the table or looked away so I just left and went back to the group I was sitting with. They kept msging me and asking where I was but I was so so so so i dunno that I just said "anywhere" and "everywhere". I wasn't going to talk to them if they were going to be so bitchy and rude. That afternoon I went to choir and then to my bf's (who took me out to dinner). I tried not to show that I was upset and hurt but he noticed straight away. So I told him what had happened. When I got home I had barely got to the front door when my parents bombarded me and yet again those girl had stepped in my life, in fact they had jumped in and stampeded on my life. This time they had gone to see the year level coordinator and told her I had been harming myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Over the weekend I got reflux and was so sick I couldn't eat nor sleep. I stayed home Monday cause I felt so ill and Tuesday had to go cause of a religion excursion. After the excursion I went to the coordinator and told her the story and showed her my legs (my mother has the same type of problem with her legs as well). She organized for me to go see the counselor on the Wednesday and she said she would update her with my current bullying. That evening I called my bffl and we had a long talk. A we were talking a MSG from my bf came through my phone saying "babe I don't want to scare you but someone has told me u wrote a suicide letter last term". It turned out one of the girls from my ex-group had been txting him during the day trying to persuade him that I was a liar. He kept asking me if I lie to him and I never had, I’d always told him everything even things they didn't know. He didn't text back and I got so worried I was so anxious and I couldn't stop crying I thought he was going to leave me. I got less than an hour sleep that night. He txted me back in the morning explaining that he had fallen asleep and that he would never think twice about our relationship and he always believed me. I was so happy that he believed me but the fact she had been saying all those things just brought me to tears. I went to school and saw the councilor who helped me a lot and she gave me a lot of advice to help me through all this trauma. Id stayed away from the internet over the weekend but I watched as they posted 'some people are just fcuks' on the previous Friday night with many more similar to come and explained that to the coordinator and councilor. I wanted them to stop hurting me like this, It is just cruel. I was told that they knew they had ignored me on the holidays and only one of them said sorry. I was told they didn't bitch about me but through the rumors and msgs that was obviously not true. They say they trusted everyone in our group yet they blame me for everything and even though I knew I was right that time I beat myself up mentally because of it. Now that's not what friends do o each other. Friends should be there for one another and I know I was always there for them when they needed help. I never told their secrets and I never will. But to have them turn their backs on you and say they never did that well I guess I made the right decision when I moved groups. I don't like the fact they have told people about me and everywhere I walk I get stares.
Since then a few more incidents have occurred where I have been intimidated at work, which I quit not along after. I have been yelled at walking home from school, my boyfriend has had rude things posted of him over facebook, and I endure everyday in their classes and listen to their chatter, watch their stares, and hear about stories from people. A friend told me recently that they approached her and questioned why I she was friends with me…now have they really stooped so low as to take away all the friends I cherish and love to be around every day, because they are who have kept me sane these past months.
My boyfriend and I have decided that if anything happens again were talking everything to the police…the school won’t do anything about it so it’s in our hands to save ourselves from going insane cause were all each other has when we need a friend.
but I want them to know, where ever I go I have someone and I am happy without them, I have found myself and I don't need to lie to get somewhere In life because I know who I am and you can’t tell me that I can’t be like that because you don't control me anymore and the things you say and stories you make up won’t last long because the truth always finds a way. It is now 6 months since this whole thing began and I am still recovering but I shall keep recovering as long as it takes me.
When school began again I acted as if nothing had hurt me as much as they did. I tried to be as friendly as possible. Until one day in math’s I was doing so good I felt so good that day cause I had done so much work which was abnormal for me and then disaster struck. The girl beside me tapped me on the shoulder and said "look". As I looked up one of my so called friends was staring at me with another group of girls and they looked like they were giggling. So I quickly shoved my head back into the books. Yet again I wanted to scream and cry and i don't know run away. Later one of the girls who was sitting with her told me that she thought I had been death staring her and I thought that was utterly self obsessed of her (I know that mean to say but that's true). Everyone has to have a break during class and look up from their books, after all she was doing it to...she was looking at me that's the same thing. I knew she would go tell the other and from previous things they have blamed me for...none of them have trust in me when they say trust is the best thing in friendship. So I went and sat with another group! They are nice and welcoming, not judgmental, not racist; don't need material objects and boys to make them happy. I sent my ex-group a MSG explaining why I had left and I explained to one of them partly that I didn't like sitting with them. I thought It was all fine until I was sending one of them (who i thought was nice) a MSG on myspace and as i sent it her other msgs were shown below. There was a few from the girl who said I was death staring her saying "At least shes not our problem anymore". I had to freeze and stop typing on my computer....I was a problem. So I sent the girl a MSG too explaining that she had it all wrong and that I wasn't death staring her and if I was I didn't mean it. I usually stare off into space. But she continued to tell the other girl she was sick of me and so I began to feel sick. The next day at school, they were in all my classes and I could hear them gossiping about me and others came up to me telling me what they had been saying...that I was an attention seeker! that I was a syco! that I lie!!!! I couldn't believe these people, these girls who I once thought were friends, were basically backstabbing me. I asked one of them via text MSG why they were saying all this mean stuff about me and she said I had to come see them. So I did and as I got to the group table half got up and walked away and the others just placed there head face down on the table or looked away so I just left and went back to the group I was sitting with. They kept msging me and asking where I was but I was so so so so i dunno that I just said "anywhere" and "everywhere". I wasn't going to talk to them if they were going to be so bitchy and rude. That afternoon I went to choir and then to my bf's (who took me out to dinner). I tried not to show that I was upset and hurt but he noticed straight away. So I told him what had happened. When I got home I had barely got to the front door when my parents bombarded me and yet again those girl had stepped in my life, in fact they had jumped in and stampeded on my life. This time they had gone to see the year level coordinator and told her I had been harming myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Over the weekend I got reflux and was so sick I couldn't eat nor sleep. I stayed home Monday cause I felt so ill and Tuesday had to go cause of a religion excursion. After the excursion I went to the coordinator and told her the story and showed her my legs (my mother has the same type of problem with her legs as well). She organized for me to go see the counselor on the Wednesday and she said she would update her with my current bullying. That evening I called my bffl and we had a long talk. A we were talking a MSG from my bf came through my phone saying "babe I don't want to scare you but someone has told me u wrote a suicide letter last term". It turned out one of the girls from my ex-group had been txting him during the day trying to persuade him that I was a liar. He kept asking me if I lie to him and I never had, I’d always told him everything even things they didn't know. He didn't text back and I got so worried I was so anxious and I couldn't stop crying I thought he was going to leave me. I got less than an hour sleep that night. He txted me back in the morning explaining that he had fallen asleep and that he would never think twice about our relationship and he always believed me. I was so happy that he believed me but the fact she had been saying all those things just brought me to tears. I went to school and saw the councilor who helped me a lot and she gave me a lot of advice to help me through all this trauma. Id stayed away from the internet over the weekend but I watched as they posted 'some people are just fcuks' on the previous Friday night with many more similar to come and explained that to the coordinator and councilor. I wanted them to stop hurting me like this, It is just cruel. I was told that they knew they had ignored me on the holidays and only one of them said sorry. I was told they didn't bitch about me but through the rumors and msgs that was obviously not true. They say they trusted everyone in our group yet they blame me for everything and even though I knew I was right that time I beat myself up mentally because of it. Now that's not what friends do o each other. Friends should be there for one another and I know I was always there for them when they needed help. I never told their secrets and I never will. But to have them turn their backs on you and say they never did that well I guess I made the right decision when I moved groups. I don't like the fact they have told people about me and everywhere I walk I get stares.
Since then a few more incidents have occurred where I have been intimidated at work, which I quit not along after. I have been yelled at walking home from school, my boyfriend has had rude things posted of him over facebook, and I endure everyday in their classes and listen to their chatter, watch their stares, and hear about stories from people. A friend told me recently that they approached her and questioned why I she was friends with me…now have they really stooped so low as to take away all the friends I cherish and love to be around every day, because they are who have kept me sane these past months.
My boyfriend and I have decided that if anything happens again were talking everything to the police…the school won’t do anything about it so it’s in our hands to save ourselves from going insane cause were all each other has when we need a friend.
but I want them to know, where ever I go I have someone and I am happy without them, I have found myself and I don't need to lie to get somewhere In life because I know who I am and you can’t tell me that I can’t be like that because you don't control me anymore and the things you say and stories you make up won’t last long because the truth always finds a way. It is now 6 months since this whole thing began and I am still recovering but I shall keep recovering as long as it takes me.
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