Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I promised myself that I would never write on this blog again but I need a way to say what is trapped inside of me......
I counted down the days
I hated it
I wished I was with you instead
Semester one this year was full of questions for myself. What am i going to do with my life? and how am i going to get there?
Ipswich wasn't the greatest. While I was there I FELT CLOSER TO THEM THAT MY FRIENDS HERE and i shouldn't have felt that way. I tried to talk to you and you didn't reply. Just because I was not in Brisbane I felt as thought I was unwanted. I try so hard now to rebuild these friendships.
Last night was terrible. I hate myself so much. You said i was a great friend but I am not. I want you to myself and to not mix with them. You promised me and as we talked I couldn't help but cry. I thought i had lost you but you do care.
And now I lay in my room attempting to sleep but I can't because I am waiting for a message that will never come. I need you to tell me that I am not insane, that I am perfect they way i am.
I counted down the days
I hated it
I wished I was with you instead
Semester one this year was full of questions for myself. What am i going to do with my life? and how am i going to get there?
Ipswich wasn't the greatest. While I was there I FELT CLOSER TO THEM THAT MY FRIENDS HERE and i shouldn't have felt that way. I tried to talk to you and you didn't reply. Just because I was not in Brisbane I felt as thought I was unwanted. I try so hard now to rebuild these friendships.
Last night was terrible. I hate myself so much. You said i was a great friend but I am not. I want you to myself and to not mix with them. You promised me and as we talked I couldn't help but cry. I thought i had lost you but you do care.
And now I lay in my room attempting to sleep but I can't because I am waiting for a message that will never come. I need you to tell me that I am not insane, that I am perfect they way i am.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
mini hate
I tried to force myself to not write on this page. I thought if i didn't depend on this blog that i could grow as a person. So i am just going to make this general, skim the surface of a couple of issues.
1. Am i being replaced? Am i not as interesting as i was before? Why do you wish not to communicate with me, do i seem different? I thought you were there for me, but your aren't and that isn't like you.
2. Is something wrong with my appearance? Is my behavior so terrible that you don't look at me? I just don't understand you.
3. Why did you automatically assume and look at me for that statement was spoken. Would you be so shocked if i had. I know this shouldn't annoy me but it does. For you to have his already perceived image of me is wrong. I am nothing like that idol. I have done things that i am not proud of and if given the opportunity i would take it back and you sit there and jump on me cause there is the slightest possibility i might not fit this model you see me in. The thing is you will never know of this cause you don't talk to me anymore, don't include me in your life.
4. I really hope we talk more. I have never really written about work before but i like this. You are quiet and don't really speak, something completely different to who i am but it works. You are an interesting character :)
5. James.... what do i say. I can't wait for these next couple of weeks to go by so i never have to see your face again. You put people down for being nice to you. I help you with your assignments and you tell me that mine is wrong or shit. I have been around smart people my whole schooling life. My friends are all intelligent and i don't really fit in. At university i am on the highest marks within my group and you tell me that i am wrong. How about you just shut up and actually do the assignment so i don't have to help you.
1. Am i being replaced? Am i not as interesting as i was before? Why do you wish not to communicate with me, do i seem different? I thought you were there for me, but your aren't and that isn't like you.
2. Is something wrong with my appearance? Is my behavior so terrible that you don't look at me? I just don't understand you.
3. Why did you automatically assume and look at me for that statement was spoken. Would you be so shocked if i had. I know this shouldn't annoy me but it does. For you to have his already perceived image of me is wrong. I am nothing like that idol. I have done things that i am not proud of and if given the opportunity i would take it back and you sit there and jump on me cause there is the slightest possibility i might not fit this model you see me in. The thing is you will never know of this cause you don't talk to me anymore, don't include me in your life.
4. I really hope we talk more. I have never really written about work before but i like this. You are quiet and don't really speak, something completely different to who i am but it works. You are an interesting character :)
5. James.... what do i say. I can't wait for these next couple of weeks to go by so i never have to see your face again. You put people down for being nice to you. I help you with your assignments and you tell me that mine is wrong or shit. I have been around smart people my whole schooling life. My friends are all intelligent and i don't really fit in. At university i am on the highest marks within my group and you tell me that i am wrong. How about you just shut up and actually do the assignment so i don't have to help you.
Friday, March 18, 2011
"That Should be me"
Everybody's laughing in my mind,
Rumors spreading 'bout this other girl,
Do you do what you did when you
did with me?
Does she love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't!
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me
Ouuuuuuu
ouuuuuuuu
That should be me,
Yeah,
You said you needed a little time
For my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time
To have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
Whatcha doin' to me,
You're takin' her where we used to go,
Now if you're tryin' to break my
It's working 'cause you know that,...
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me ,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me
I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield
This pain in my heart!!!
Chorus:
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me,
Holding your hand,
That should be me,
Oh i makin you laugh, oh Baby,
That should be me,
(that should be me givin you flowers)
That should be me,
Talking by hours,that should be me, that should be me,
that should be me
Never should've let you go,!
I never should've let you go,!
That should be me!! <3
Never should've let you go
That should be me!!<3
Rumors spreading 'bout this other girl,
Do you do what you did when you
did with me?
Does she love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't!
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me
Ouuuuuuu
ouuuuuuuu
That should be me,
Yeah,
You said you needed a little time
For my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time
To have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
Whatcha doin' to me,
You're takin' her where we used to go,
Now if you're tryin' to break my
It's working 'cause you know that,...
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me ,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me
I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield
This pain in my heart!!!
Chorus:
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me,
Holding your hand,
That should be me,
Oh i makin you laugh, oh Baby,
That should be me,
(that should be me givin you flowers)
That should be me,
Talking by hours,that should be me, that should be me,
that should be me
Never should've let you go,!
I never should've let you go,!
That should be me!! <3
Never should've let you go
That should be me!!<3
Saturday, March 12, 2011
26/3/11..... Bottle...... Mark Sloan
Last Saturday wasn't my night.
My brain is playing tricks on me. I recently see a trend when I log on to blogger, everyone seem to be saying what they want but I don't want to. Everyone has a box and within this box we have parts of ourself that we keep hidden from conflict. If we wish we can show someone or if we are private we keep them to ourself. I lost all of my treasures in my box, I thought I had a least one but it turns out that I don't.
Saturday I just needed to be by myself for a while, breathe in the cold Autumn air and relax. I knew that you suspected that something was up with me and that you wanted me to know that you were they for me but if I tell you, then I wont have anything in my box. I NEED something in this box. Something that makes me feel needed, an actual person, complex.
I feel empty. I should have grabbed onto you and not let go then maybe I would have found that missing treasure I thought I possessed. I saw this treasure as being a metaphor for our friendship. I remember the day I lost this treasure. I had longed for something to show me a new direction, give me hope. I was so excited that I had something. It was the simplest thing ever in the world but to me, it made me not feel empty for a while. If I could go back to last Saturday I wouldn't let go.
If I could be given a time machine to travel to any point in time I wouldn't waste it on the chance to star in an episode of Diagnosis Murder with Dick Van Dyke instead I would go back to last Saturday. Nothing else in my past matters more than last Saturday.
I want my Treasure back . If you can help, please do so I don't feel empty all the time.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Picture perfect memories
Scattered all around the floor
Reaching for the phone 'cause
I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I've lost all control
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
I personally think i have reached the point of no return. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I am wonderful where i am now.
You could have said something as simple as yes to respond to me, but you didn't. You once again ignore one of your friend but at least you dont lie to me.
I wonder how long it will take you to realise that i am not here because i am not waiting for you anymore. It might be a week, a month, a year or never. I just hope that when this day comes that you realise how much work i did on this and that u see what you have lost. Cause if you take to long, i wont wait for you. You will live the rest of your life without me.
Maybe this is what you want. To never talk to me again and if this is true keep traveling on the road. I will eventually fade out of your mind as a complication that occurred in your life.
I am fucked if you dont read this blog anymore because i am not saying this to you face. This may seem stupid but i can't speak to you. I am over working on you and now i need you to step up and say something. Let me say this simple:
IF YOU WANT ME AS YOUR FRIEND IN YOUR LIFE= ACKNOWLEDGE ME, talk to me as if i am here and not as though you randomly bumped into me and feel like you should. Even if i still want you in my life, i can block it out. Trust me i did drama i can do this. It isn't like i haven't done before.
Do this cause i wont be here for long.
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give
I personally think i have reached the point of no return. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I am wonderful where i am now.
You could have said something as simple as yes to respond to me, but you didn't. You once again ignore one of your friend but at least you dont lie to me.
I wonder how long it will take you to realise that i am not here because i am not waiting for you anymore. It might be a week, a month, a year or never. I just hope that when this day comes that you realise how much work i did on this and that u see what you have lost. Cause if you take to long, i wont wait for you. You will live the rest of your life without me.
Maybe this is what you want. To never talk to me again and if this is true keep traveling on the road. I will eventually fade out of your mind as a complication that occurred in your life.
I am fucked if you dont read this blog anymore because i am not saying this to you face. This may seem stupid but i can't speak to you. I am over working on you and now i need you to step up and say something. Let me say this simple:
IF YOU WANT ME AS YOUR FRIEND IN YOUR LIFE= ACKNOWLEDGE ME, talk to me as if i am here and not as though you randomly bumped into me and feel like you should. Even if i still want you in my life, i can block it out. Trust me i did drama i can do this. It isn't like i haven't done before.
Do this cause i wont be here for long.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
2011
At the beginning of this year i made a list of my New Year’s resolutions and I am able to say that I am committing to sticking to them. One was to exercise more. Fitness is really important to me; I jog every second day along my local track or do a ‘teenage dream’ like fitness routine in my room. My eating habits have improved. I am eating lettuce on sandwiches, something that many in my family thought would never happen.
Another of my resolution was to work on my relationship with my family members. Since there is a high probability that I am may have to go to Ipswich for university, I feel the need to change my relationship with my nana. We visited her yesterday as it has been 1 year since her husband and my grandfather passed away. Something as simple as bringing flower or breaking up a fight between my younger cousins at the cemetery was something that I could see made a difference to her day. I truly love her even thought I might not show it every time I see her. She is an amazing person and in a way I hope that when I am her age that I will be just like her.
My third resolution is to work on and continue to maintain my relationships with my friends. I know that with finishing school that I have and will lose friends but I am ok with that. I just never expected it to happen as fast as it did. While on the other hand I have regained old friends. Recently there has been two main influences in my life, helping me decide what is right and what is wrong, things that I should let go of and things that I need to rebuild. They have made me realise something that I knew…. I don’t 100% need you in my life as painful as it may be. If others aren’t going to commit to being my friend then sorry, I don’t need you. I hope that in the future you will realise what you have lost in me plus a large majority of your other friends. I feel as though I shouldn’t even be saying this as it will let you understand that I will let go of you if you don’t wan’t me. Sometimes something as simple as a text message could change the way that you are seen. If you DON’T do something I am letting go, classing you as an acquaintance. There will be no more ‘Like a prayer Caitlin’. Instead there will just be Caitlin Smith and that is all you shall know me as.
Last of all, I have decided that this year it is all about me. No more thinking about what others think or attempting to rebuild friendships that can’t be rebuilt. I can’t be the person that I want to be thinking about others. I need to let go of things, breathe, and loosen myself up when around certain people. No more thinking about things from the past, I am focusing upon my future with those who choose to be a part of it.
Another of my resolution was to work on my relationship with my family members. Since there is a high probability that I am may have to go to Ipswich for university, I feel the need to change my relationship with my nana. We visited her yesterday as it has been 1 year since her husband and my grandfather passed away. Something as simple as bringing flower or breaking up a fight between my younger cousins at the cemetery was something that I could see made a difference to her day. I truly love her even thought I might not show it every time I see her. She is an amazing person and in a way I hope that when I am her age that I will be just like her.
My third resolution is to work on and continue to maintain my relationships with my friends. I know that with finishing school that I have and will lose friends but I am ok with that. I just never expected it to happen as fast as it did. While on the other hand I have regained old friends. Recently there has been two main influences in my life, helping me decide what is right and what is wrong, things that I should let go of and things that I need to rebuild. They have made me realise something that I knew…. I don’t 100% need you in my life as painful as it may be. If others aren’t going to commit to being my friend then sorry, I don’t need you. I hope that in the future you will realise what you have lost in me plus a large majority of your other friends. I feel as though I shouldn’t even be saying this as it will let you understand that I will let go of you if you don’t wan’t me. Sometimes something as simple as a text message could change the way that you are seen. If you DON’T do something I am letting go, classing you as an acquaintance. There will be no more ‘Like a prayer Caitlin’. Instead there will just be Caitlin Smith and that is all you shall know me as.
Last of all, I have decided that this year it is all about me. No more thinking about what others think or attempting to rebuild friendships that can’t be rebuilt. I can’t be the person that I want to be thinking about others. I need to let go of things, breathe, and loosen myself up when around certain people. No more thinking about things from the past, I am focusing upon my future with those who choose to be a part of it.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The World
For the past hour i have sat in my bed trying to sleep. And as you can tell by this blog, is that i haven't managed to do that. I can't go to sleep!!!! My brain is running at full capicity with the stupidest stuff and to be honest i can't handle this anymore.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this town, this state, this country. I don't want to be anywhere. I want you all to forget about me. I am a shitty person and i can't function like this.
Last night someone said something to me. They said that i was amazing but the truth is that i am not. I am ordinary, just like everyone else. I can easily be replaced by another who is more confident, caring and fun to be around. Peoples lives would be easier without someone like me.
Today i spent the most wonderful day with someone i love so much. I let her into my drama, my mind frame. Sometimes i feel as though i can't function, that i can't be the person i want to be. I want to be that fun person, the one that people can count on, but considering my current brain path... I can't be that person to anyone.
I wish i could leave, just be by myself for a while without the need to think about others or myself. I want my brain to stop thinking. I wish i could make it stop.............
I try my hardest at things but they always end the same. This ultimatley leads me to do stupid things. I wish that i could leave and move away because with me being here everyones life will be impacted upon in a negative way having me in their lives.
So now i try to sleep again.....
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this town, this state, this country. I don't want to be anywhere. I want you all to forget about me. I am a shitty person and i can't function like this.
Last night someone said something to me. They said that i was amazing but the truth is that i am not. I am ordinary, just like everyone else. I can easily be replaced by another who is more confident, caring and fun to be around. Peoples lives would be easier without someone like me.
Today i spent the most wonderful day with someone i love so much. I let her into my drama, my mind frame. Sometimes i feel as though i can't function, that i can't be the person i want to be. I want to be that fun person, the one that people can count on, but considering my current brain path... I can't be that person to anyone.
I wish i could leave, just be by myself for a while without the need to think about others or myself. I want my brain to stop thinking. I wish i could make it stop.............
I try my hardest at things but they always end the same. This ultimatley leads me to do stupid things. I wish that i could leave and move away because with me being here everyones life will be impacted upon in a negative way having me in their lives.
So now i try to sleep again.....
Monday, January 10, 2011
You leave without a word, no message, no number
And now my head is pounding
like rolling thunder
You left me with a heartache deep inside
Girl you should see me cry all
night, and I wonder
I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't
And now my head is pounding
like rolling thunder
You left me with a heartache deep inside
Girl you should see me cry all
night, and I wonder
I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't
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