You are my Brad..... You can piss me off, make me angry, make me hate you but yet i can't help but care.

There holidays are making me think, but this time it is good thinking. I think about my future and what i am going to do. Where am i going to be and who will i be with. I realise that i waste a lot of myself on people that don't need it. Who don't appreciate it. Who don't appreciate me. Why do i waste my love on them when i know that you don't want it.

I pray for that time will come when they want me but i will no longer be there for them. Then i hope that they will realise what they missed out on.

Unknown

What am i meant to do? ANSWER UNKNOWN

What am i meant to say? ANSWER UNKNOWN

How am i meant to act? ANSWER UNKNOWN

I can't stop thinking, like it has been all year.
I need to stop it, but i don't know how.

I make myself think about something else but in a few minutes it will be back again. Haunting me, teasing me. It will never go away

Do i mean anything to anyone???
Would people care if i wasn't here??
If i didn't exist??
Would life be easier??

I think it would!!!

When people say you mean something to them are they telling you the truth or are they trying to make you feel better about yourself. I am not sure.

Three days ago i understood everything. For once i understood me and what i want but now i am not sure if that is what i actually need. I don't know what to do?? Tell me what to do!!!

Cheryl Cole tells us to fight for this love, but i don't think i want to fight anymore.

Thank-you for letting me be me for 2 days but i don't think she will be back for a while.

Jessica

I wish i didn't have to live anymore.....

I wish that life was simple
I wish that people would have told me the truth
I wish that you were there for me
I wish that i knew what my brain was thinking
I wish that i could talk to you
I wish that i could go back in time
I wish that i could run away from everything
I wish that life made sense
I wish that you didn't feel this way
I wish that you knew how i felt and feel
I wish that i could change the past
I wish that i could remove people from my life
I wish that you will eventually need me
I wish that you will forgive me
I wish that you will accept me
I wish that i could spend another day with you before i never see you again
I wish you will never forget me
I wish that i didn't have to cry as much as i do
I wish that you cared for me at some point
I wish that my con's list will eventually become all become pro's
I wish that you hadn't asked me to hangout yesterday
I wish that i knew what i needed
I wish that you loved me the same way i felt back
I wish that i could fall asleep and everything would go away
I wish that i didn't have act ok when i am not
I wish that i can be my old self again without worrying what people think
I wish that i coud stop thinking about other people's feelings
I wish that you could feel the pain that i do
I wish that this will all go away
I wish that you wont make me change my feekings because you say you can't deal with it
I wish i could cry infront of you


This is my wish list

Crying

Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder today.

I know i can always count on you for the best advice and today was no different. I know what i have to do but it is really hard to do considering what i have told you.

It is like a packet of cigarettes that you can't put down, you can't give up but you know for your health that you need to. Hid them somewhere so no one will ever find or see you with them.

I have to find this packet of mine and hid it away so it can't be seen and then i might not have to cry to you as much.

Xx

It is offical 7 has now become 8. I know i said this a couple of months ago but now it is true and has become a reality. And i HATE it.

This year so much has happened to me.

There was 190 days that i could have spent focusing upon myself but instead there wasn't a day that passed that i didn't think about someone else. I hate that i wasted my time on them and that i hurt others by what i did. But i couldn't help it. I am not a robot that you can just turn the switch off when you say so. I am not one of these people no matter what you say say or what you want me to do.

I don't think i have ever hated someone in my life as much as i do now. You know that i hate you and you like that. You want to earn my trust back and i love that you want to do that, but i am not totally sure what to say.

I have never been put in this position where someone has hurt me. I am not sure what to do. I know i have never felt this feeling before or have ever been put in this position to have to decide what to do. I am not sure of i should forgive you or just leave me hating you for what you did.....????

I know that later there is a possibility that i will hate myself for posting this but i feel as though i need to.

Primary and Secondary Sources

I need to write down what i am thinking inside.....

I need to say what i need to say.
I know what it is inside but when i write it i can't.
I wrote a letter expressing what i needed to say,
But i destroyed it so you can never know what is happening in my head.
I think no one actually knows what is in there, not even me.

I am currently destroying any knowledge of my past life as hard as it may be. I dont want to posses letters, emails or texts. The only thing i can keep are the memories that i can barley remember as it seems like a lifetime ago.

I now feel alone. As if i am the only one here. With no one to love me. With no one to care for...

I am putting the cork in the bottle and never letting my true self emerge.