Burn Out.

Why is life so hard?

I have been working full-time basically since January this year and everyone said once I started only doing 2 subjects at uni that everything would be easier...but its not...its so incredibly hard to juggle everything. I have deferred 6 months after uni has put me on probation. I missed 2 of my exams last semester due to stupid work. Why would any employer just hire one person to look after their entire accounts receivable by themselves...and leave it all to a uni student!!! I swear I am cracking!!! All I want to do is fake sickies...but I am already sick and my boss keeps getting angry cause I am sick and says I should continue to keep going to the doctor...but I had already been to the doctor and the doctor said to rest...but every time he says that I should go see the doctor...stupid indian!!! has no idea what the hell I am going through...I feel absolutely horrible already that I can't work due to illness and he gets mad at me on top. I hate it I am fed up...all I do is think about work now...what shall I do tomorrow at work? Who do I have to email tomorrow? Oh no I hope I haven't done anything wrong...I will check again tomorrow????!!!!!!! I even dream about work of horrible things I might do wrong...Is that not commitment already...WHAT DO THESE EMPLOYERS WANT 24/7 COMMITMENT...well they have it!!!

Sincerely,

Burnt out student.

How do you love another?

How does one breathe again? I mean how does one move on?

With every thought processing through my mind, moving on seems impossible. It seems like a lifetime.

My stress levels have hit an all time high. I miss you. I crave you. I am sick. I have full time work. I have full time study. But you not here to tell me its alright, you are not here to hold me.

I feel like the breath in my lungs has been sucked from underneath me. You blame me for something I did not do. How am I meant to fix this? I didn't know what I did wrong so I couldn't have told anyone anything, thats all I told that, that I didn't know why. How is it right to be punished for something that isn't capable of doing without knowing? I ask myself this everyday. But I love you. I never stopped loving you. I just can't let you go. But I must...I must figure out who I truly want to love or should love...

He who uses me. I wish you were not so much of a jerk, then maybe I would agree, but you would still use me.

He who wants me. I do not want you anymore. That was a long time ago. I am sick of taking care of you and listening to you whinge day after day you make me depressed and its not healthy.

He who is my dream man. I feel so awkward. We are so awkward since I told you my secret. You rarely talk to me. I know your not a jerk, but you act like we should never talk again. Like all you wanted was a fling.

He who I met 1 week ago. You are sweet, but you smoke. You make me laugh, but you always put yourself down. I feel like a retard talking to you cause I say silly things when I am nervous, all girls do...don't you get that?

I still do not know who!!

Why?

Why do I care?

Why should I care?

Why can't I not care?

Why is this so hard?

Why do you do this?

Why did you do this?

Why can't you see my pain?

Why do you flaunt your happiness?

Why did you use me?

Why don't I see you with other girls?

Why do I feel so isolated?

Why do you treat me like I did something wrong?

Why won't you tell me the truth?

Why doesn't anyone tell me the truth?

Why do I always get the same vague answer which makes no sense at all?

Why did you have to lie to me about good boys?

Why did you take my happiness?

Why can't I enjoy anything anymore?

Why can't I open myself up to anyone else?

Why do I now use people?

Why do I lie to people I don't even care about?

Why don't I care about them?

Why don't you just go to ireland with the drunks short dicks where you belong? LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR LIAR!!!!!

Why don't you just rip out my heart..it would be less painful?

That awkward moment when everyone knows you made a mistake......

I promised myself that I would never write on this blog again but I need a way to say what is trapped inside of me......

I counted down the days
I hated it
I wished I was with you instead

Semester one this year was full of questions for myself. What am i going to do with my life? and how am i going to get there?

Ipswich wasn't the greatest. While I was there I FELT CLOSER TO THEM THAT MY FRIENDS HERE and i shouldn't have felt that way. I tried to talk to you and you didn't reply. Just because I was not in Brisbane I felt as thought I was unwanted. I try so hard now to rebuild these friendships.

Last night was terrible. I hate myself so much. You said i was a great friend but I am not. I want you to myself and to not mix with them. You promised me and as we talked I couldn't help but cry. I thought i had lost you but you do care.

And now I lay in my room attempting to sleep but I can't because I am waiting for a message that will never come. I need you to tell me that I am not insane, that I am perfect they way i am.

mini hate

I tried to force myself to not write on this page. I thought if i didn't depend on this blog that i could grow as a person. So i am just going to make this general, skim the surface of a couple of issues.

1. Am i being replaced? Am i not as interesting as i was before? Why do you wish not to communicate with me, do i seem different? I thought you were there for me, but your aren't and that isn't like you.

2. Is something wrong with my appearance? Is my behavior so terrible that you don't look at me? I just don't understand you.

3. Why did you automatically assume and look at me for that statement was spoken. Would you be so shocked if i had. I know this shouldn't annoy me but it does. For you to have his already perceived image of me is wrong. I am nothing like that idol. I have done things that i am not proud of and if given the opportunity i would take it back and you sit there and jump on me cause there is the slightest possibility i might not fit this model you see me in. The thing is you will never know of this cause you don't talk to me anymore, don't include me in your life.

4. I really hope we talk more. I have never really written about work before but i like this. You are quiet and don't really speak, something completely different to who i am but it works. You are an interesting character :)

5. James.... what do i say. I can't wait for these next couple of weeks to go by so i never have to see your face again. You put people down for being nice to you. I help you with your assignments and you tell me that mine is wrong or shit. I have been around smart people my whole schooling life. My friends are all intelligent and i don't really fit in. At university i am on the highest marks within my group and you tell me that i am wrong. How about you just shut up and actually do the assignment so i don't have to help you.

"That Should be me"

Everybody's laughing in my mind,
Rumors spreading 'bout this other girl,
Do you do what you did when you
did with me?
Does she love you the way I can?
Did you forget all the plans
that you made with me?
'cause baby I didn't!


That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me

Ouuuuuuu
ouuuuuuuu

That should be me,
Yeah,
You said you needed a little time
For my mistakes,
It's funny how you used that time
To have me replaced,
Did you think that I wouldn't see you out at the movies
Whatcha doin' to me,
You're takin' her where we used to go,
Now if you're tryin' to break my
It's working 'cause you know that,...

That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me ,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me

I need to know should I fight
For our love for this long
It's getting harder to shield
This pain in my heart!!!

Chorus:
That should be me,
Holdin' your hand,
That should be me,
Makin' you laugh,
That should be me,
This is so sad,
That should be me,
That should be me,
That should be me,
Feelin' your kiss,
That should be me,
Buyin' you gifts,
This is so wrong,
I can't go on,
Till you believe that,
That should be me,
Holding your hand,
That should be me,
Oh i makin you laugh, oh Baby,
That should be me,
(that should be me givin you flowers)
That should be me,
Talking by hours,that should be me, that should be me,
that should be me

Never should've let you go,!
I never should've let you go,!
That should be me!! <3
Never should've let you go
That should be me!!<3