Easy come, easy go
That's just how you live, oh
Take, take, take it all,
But you never give

I personally think i have reached the point of no return. I don't want to go back to the way things were. I am wonderful where i am now.

You could have said something as simple as yes to respond to me, but you didn't. You once again ignore one of your friend but at least you dont lie to me.

I wonder how long it will take you to realise that i am not here because i am not waiting for you anymore. It might be a week, a month, a year or never. I just hope that when this day comes that you realise how much work i did on this and that u see what you have lost. Cause if you take to long, i wont wait for you. You will live the rest of your life without me.

Maybe this is what you want. To never talk to me again and if this is true keep traveling on the road. I will eventually fade out of your mind as a complication that occurred in your life.

I am fucked if you dont read this blog anymore because i am not saying this to you face. This may seem stupid but i can't speak to you. I am over working on you and now i need you to step up and say something. Let me say this simple:

IF YOU WANT ME AS YOUR FRIEND IN YOUR LIFE= ACKNOWLEDGE ME, talk to me as if i am here and not as though you randomly bumped into me and feel like you should. Even if i still want you in my life, i can block it out. Trust me i did drama i can do this. It isn't like i haven't done before.

Do this cause i wont be here for long.

2011

At the beginning of this year i made a list of my New Year’s resolutions and I am able to say that I am committing to sticking to them. One was to exercise more. Fitness is really important to me; I jog every second day along my local track or do a ‘teenage dream’ like fitness routine in my room. My eating habits have improved. I am eating lettuce on sandwiches, something that many in my family thought would never happen.

Another of my resolution was to work on my relationship with my family members. Since there is a high probability that I am may have to go to Ipswich for university, I feel the need to change my relationship with my nana. We visited her yesterday as it has been 1 year since her husband and my grandfather passed away. Something as simple as bringing flower or breaking up a fight between my younger cousins at the cemetery was something that I could see made a difference to her day. I truly love her even thought I might not show it every time I see her. She is an amazing person and in a way I hope that when I am her age that I will be just like her.

My third resolution is to work on and continue to maintain my relationships with my friends. I know that with finishing school that I have and will lose friends but I am ok with that. I just never expected it to happen as fast as it did. While on the other hand I have regained old friends. Recently there has been two main influences in my life, helping me decide what is right and what is wrong, things that I should let go of and things that I need to rebuild. They have made me realise something that I knew…. I don’t 100% need you in my life as painful as it may be. If others aren’t going to commit to being my friend then sorry, I don’t need you. I hope that in the future you will realise what you have lost in me plus a large majority of your other friends. I feel as though I shouldn’t even be saying this as it will let you understand that I will let go of you if you don’t wan’t me. Sometimes something as simple as a text message could change the way that you are seen. If you DON’T do something I am letting go, classing you as an acquaintance. There will be no more ‘Like a prayer Caitlin’. Instead there will just be Caitlin Smith and that is all you shall know me as.

Last of all, I have decided that this year it is all about me. No more thinking about what others think or attempting to rebuild friendships that can’t be rebuilt. I can’t be the person that I want to be thinking about others. I need to let go of things, breathe, and loosen myself up when around certain people. No more thinking about things from the past, I am focusing upon my future with those who choose to be a part of it.

The World

For the past hour i have sat in my bed trying to sleep. And as you can tell by this blog, is that i haven't managed to do that. I can't go to sleep!!!! My brain is running at full capicity with the stupidest stuff and to be honest i can't handle this anymore.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in this town, this state, this country. I don't want to be anywhere. I want you all to forget about me. I am a shitty person and i can't function like this.

Last night someone said something to me. They said that i was amazing but the truth is that i am not. I am ordinary, just like everyone else. I can easily be replaced by another who is more confident, caring and fun to be around. Peoples lives would be easier without someone like me.

Today i spent the most wonderful day with someone i love so much. I let her into my drama, my mind frame. Sometimes i feel as though i can't function, that i can't be the person i want to be. I want to be that fun person, the one that people can count on, but considering my current brain path... I can't be that person to anyone.

I wish i could leave, just be by myself for a while without the need to think about others or myself. I want my brain to stop thinking. I wish i could make it stop.............

I try my hardest at things but they always end the same. This ultimatley leads me to do stupid things. I wish that i could leave and move away because with me being here everyones life will be impacted upon in a negative way having me in their lives.

So now i try to sleep again.....

You leave without a word, no message, no number
And now my head is pounding
like rolling thunder
You left me with a heartache deep inside
Girl you should see me cry all
night, and I wonder

I can't get no satisfaction,
I can't get no satisfaction.
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try.
I can't get no, I can't get no.

So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
So what did you think I would say?
No you can't run away, no you can't run away
You wouldn't