Showering

Tonight while I was having a shower I exfoliated my skin. In doing this I was removing the old skin allowing the new skin to shine through. A couple of nights ago as I tried to sleep but couldn’t. Therefore I decided to evaluate 2010 and decided my opinion of the events that occurred during this soon to be past year. Since this night everything has become clear and is just in time for 2011- A year that is now full of opportunities. But before this years comes to a conclusion I must say a few things to people who have impacted and helped to continue to shape me this past interesting year. Please keep this blog only to blog members.

Number 1: WHO THE HELL ARE YOU???

I don’t even know you and yet I told you personal information and allowed you to enter my life. After a single day I began talking to you all the time, I was excited and looked forward to talking to you. Then after a couple of months you became annoying, kept on pressuring me to answer your extremely personal question about myself and this past year. These were questions one would normally not ask a NEW friend. Now that I think about it, I am not sure why I kept talking to you. Maybe it was because for once I felt in control and that I could decide what happens. For once I had to power and if I didn’t want to talk to you I wouldn’t. This was the smallest part of my life where I felt I had control. Then one night as I was trying to sleep my phone vibrated and it was you. This message is imprinted in my mind, you were angry at me for not telling you about certain things which I believed shouldn’t be discussed. Who gave you permission to yell at me like that, abuse me over text- seriously what gives you the right to talk to me like that. But yet being me, I forgave you. Then when I was thinking about this year I realised one thing…. I don’t need you. I have lasted this long without you in my life that I realised that I don’t need you in it at all.

You can sail your own boat…. Captain.

Number 2: Miss our night time D&m’s

What happened to us??? We have been friends for 17 years and yet after we spent those months texting each other and helping each other, I haven’t seen you or spoken to you since then. You, Number 2 were one person that I never expected to talk to ever about my personal life. But now that it is all over I have to say, you are my idol. You got up, brushed the dirt of your shoulders and continued on with your life. I want to know that you are ok and that it isn’t a show. That you are pretending to be fine when deep down inside you are hurt and broken. You could be looking for a way out like I did. I love how we felt so comfortable to talk to one another when we haven’t talked that often in the past. One afternoon I remember I was going for a run when I got a message from you. You were on a date with J and you felt it was appropriate that you inform me of how symmetrical his bottom is. I swear people driving past me thought I was insane. Randomly breaking out in laughter along the side of the road. Since that night we haven’t talked to one another and I miss that.

Number 3: Prefer Brunette’s than Blondes

After eight months of hatred for one another, who would have thought that we would be friends? Ask Rebecca Sarney, our double math’s was where I could vent to her about everything. I really feel sorry for her shoulder, sometimes I took my anger out on her. But back to the happy talking… I would like to thank schoolies cause without it this friendship wouldn’t exist. Sometimes I wish this happened before it did, that things could have been this way earlier than it was. To tell you all the truth when K called me at Megan’s and Gabe’s to say you were coming over for dinner I dreaded it. Spending an evening with someone who made me angry the past few months was not my idea of a great way to start schoolies. Then we spent forever talking about everything that happened and the reason why we didn’t get along and then ever since that night you have been my go-to venting person. Every night from then on, we would talk and I love that we did because I personally don’t think I would have survived some nights while up there if it wasn’t for you. Like at Megan’s one morning, this moment I needed some to talk to and you were there and understood what was happening. Who would have ever thought that we would be where we are today??? Who would have thought that we would open up to one another?

Number 4: Speed dial for 2hour D&m’s

I just have to say, I am currently eating you. Your light fluffinesses but there are no sprinkles  if there is one other person in the world that I can talk to about anything it would be you. Last week we spent 2 hours on the phone talking about ourselves and things that were annoying us. We even would spend valuable drama rehearsal classes acting out situations that could occur if we took a certain path…I just have to add here that Bob is defiantly one sexy man and you wish that you could have him. Yes I went there. This time last year I felt as thought I couldn’t talk to you about anything. Since then we both have opened up to one another are allow our walls to come down around each other and spill our feelings. I will always love you my HARRY POTTER enemy and I will do whatever it takes to keep you in it.

Number 5: Wallet friend.

After talking to someone I have realised a couple of things. You are the disease that controls my life. Everyday that goes past I am killing myself and eventually there will be nothing of me left. I can’t live my life when you are in it, but at the same time I can’t live my life without you here. My self confidence has gone down; it is like the declining rate of our profits at IGA. I didn’t want to show myself off to anyone. I didn’t want people to look at me; I felt truly ugly and thought that it was pointless for someone to love me. I would hurt myself; try to make myself feel pain somewhere else. Instead of going for a run I would go to my contemplation hut and cut myself. But now I have changed. While there are may negative to one there are also many positives to me. At schoolies you said something that changed my outlook on myself. I love my body. I like to show my body off, have people look at me differently. Wear clothing that makes me feel good about myself. I need you to stay here are you will eventually make me see more positives.

Number 6: I believe this is your first time

Now that I think about it I have never blogged about you. Congrats. Where would I be if I didn’t have you in my SOR class? Having Elise and especially you helping me through situations. I was your partner on one of the hardest experiences of my life. My fondest memory was one night when I was looking after Deanna and I couldn’t stop crying. You and Ms Smart kept yelling at me telling me to take a break but I didn’t want one. It wasn’t the situation that was bothering me, I need to be there looking after Deanna but stuff kept running through my mind that made me break down. That debrief was one of the things that I needed the most. After I explained what was bothering me to you and Gabe, you both became the two people I needed at the point. I knew that you would be there for. Once again you showed how much I mean to you at schoolies in you rant that lasted more than 20 mins. At that point I really need that. Someone to tell me how much I mean to them. I am a very protective person when it comes to my friends. This is why I didn’t drink because I don’t want you or others to make decisions that you would regret. Especially when some of our lives are complicated. While at times I might have been seen as annoying, I only did this to protect you all as you mean everything to me.

So now that 2010 is almost over I hope that we can start all over again. I love you all and I will never leave you.

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight

I keep looking for something I can't get
Broken hearts, they're all around me
And I don't see an easier way, to get out of this
Her diary sits by the bedside table
The curtains are closed, the cat's in the cradle
Who would have thought that a girl like me could come to this

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight
Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been some kind of kiss
I should have walked away............

I should have walked away

BOSS and Bro

Out of all questions you ask me.... you ask me that one.

I DON'T know the answer!! SO stop asking me.

Why would you bring it up while there are eight others in the room. I would prefer that the whole of IGA doesn't know about my private life. It isn't something that one just brings up in a random conversation. I feel like shit when you ask me how much has changed.

The most awkward part about it is that you are my boss. We shouldn't be talking about this. Instead we should be talking about how shit our profit margins are or talking about other annoying employees we work with. I haven't talked to you in a month and so much has changed, that i can't answer truly. I don't want to discuss this with you, I feel like our friendship is based on my life and secrets that you know about me.

It feels like you are taunting me, bringing it up again and again just for something to talk about. Just stop asking me how i am, stop asking me about 'it' and let me move on with my life without the need from you of knowing what is happening in this stand-still part of my life.

I discussed this with a friend a couple of weeks ago and they know how much your need to know angers me. IT felt good just spilling myself to you and that you understood what i meant. That night i told someone secrets that i haven't told anyone before. Stuff about you, my family and characteristics of the person i want to be. And for once, you opened up. You probably don't remember this but i don't think we have ever had a conversation like this before ever in my life. I want you to know that you can come and talk to me as i now do to you as i am here to be your friend and that is what we want to do.

I need you to talk to me.
Help me through this.
Become myself again and pull down this shield i have up.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

I shouldn't be doing this but i can't help it.

I wear it... IT TOUCHES MY SKIN
I feel it.... I PLACE IT AGAIN MY SKIN AS I SLEEP
I smell it.... WHERE IT LINGERS IN MY MIND

I shouldn't be doing this. It doesn't make me feel any better than i am now. It actually makes me feel worse and angry that i am here in this shitty place when i shouldn't be.

Feel it comin' in the air
And the screams from everywhere
I'm addicted to the care
It's a dangerous love affair

I go for a run to let out my anger and then i remember that it is with me. With each step i take it comes with me. I should rip it up, burn it in a fire but i can't as it was a major part of me. I use to hurt myself when i was with it to make myself feel something else. To make myself hurt somewhere else.

This small item has brought me pain and the reason that i wear it is because i need you, when i feel unloved, unneeded, when i feel as thought i am nothing.

I am nothing and i don't matter to anyone. I don't want to think anymore